A Ballet of Emotions..

I didn't think we were going to make this post today.  We had originally planned on keeping our results on the DL until a later date, but after some thought and discussion, we decided that we would rather share.  I have an awesome group of "sisters" that are going through the same thing, or something very similar, and we share our goods and bads with each other.  All of them.  So, we have decided to share this as well.

Yesterday was a bittersweet day.

We got up early (as if I slept at all Thursday night.. stupid nerves and anxiety) and got ready.  We took the dogs out before we left and of course, Rooney was refusing to do anything.  He thinks the construction crew working across the street is much more interesting then going potty.  Literally ten minutes later, our daily morning outing ended in me "assisting" Rooney in passing a piece of straw.  Yes.  This dog eats EVERYTHING.  You think he would learn with every struggle, but he does not.  He just keeps eating.  Everything.  Fantastic start!

It was finally time to make our first drive to Frederick in almost two weeks!  I almost forgot where our clinic is located.  Just kidding.  I don't think I'll ever forget that.  It is permanently embedded in my brain.. and my car's GPS.  We pulled in the parking lot at 7:55 for our 8:00 appointment.  I have never seen so few cars in the parking lot!  Yes!  We went inside (to an empty waiting room.. first time ever!) and checked in, and literally three minutes later we were back out the door.  They took the one necessary tube of blood for my beta test (after having to punch through some scar tissue from all of the previous blood work) and sent us on our way.

On the way home I kept thinking, ok.. the waiting room was empty.  That means less tubes of blood to run at the lab and an earlier call with results.  That would be logical, right?  If only..

When we got home I decided I needed to pass the time.  (We both took personal days so we could receive the results at home, rather than work.)  While Matt did some more outside work, I went to Target and did some shopping and got a manicure and pedicure.  I have to chaperone prom tonight.. gotta look good, right?  That was my reasoning :)

I had a few other errands to run, and then it was time to go home.  It was now 1:40.  Guess my logic was wrong.  Sigh.  As I was pulling into my driveway, my phone rang.  The caller ID: Shady Grove Fertility.  Oh crap.  The moment of truth.  I answered.  Janette, our nurse, was on the line.  Her first words, "I have your results."  I am now shaking.  "Did you cheat at all this week with testing?"  I admitted my weakness and said yes.  She laughed and said she wouldn't be able to refrain, either.  Good to hear :)

Take a break.  Rewind.  Let me preface this with the events throughout the last week.  I started testing last Friday.  Six days after our transfer.  My results Friday and Saturday were the same.

Negative.  I tried not to think too much into this.  There is something positive here.  This meant that all of the hormone from the trigger shot was officially out of my system.  As Matt says, trying to keep the PMA - Positive Mental Attitude (yes, sometimes I want to slap him when he says this).

Regardless, I kept testing.  I needed to feel some sort of control.  My results Sunday through Friday were all the same.

Positive.  Holy crap.  Is this real?  Did our little embryo really latch on?  We were cautiously optimistic.  We knew (as they told us many, many times) that these tests could give false results and that only the blood test could tell for sure.

Fast forward to my phone call with Janette.  Her next word to me was "Congratulations!"  What?  Again.. is this for real?  By this point I am shaking beyond belief.  I'm not sure if I should pinch myself or not.  She informed me that they are looking for HCG levels of at least 100, and mine were 400.  Yes.  400.  Wow.  I ran in the house and told Matt, and then we scheduled our next blood test for Monday morning.  We need to keep repeating this test approximately every 48 hours for about two weeks.  My hcg levels need to be doubling in between each test to ensure that this will be a viable pregnancy.

This is where our hesitance came in.  We didn't want to share our news for fear that my numbers will not double and that we will end up with a miscarriage.  But again, we have shared everything to this point and could use all of the love and support we can get.

At this point we are cautiously optimistic.  We have celebrated.  We went out for dinner last night.. and had celebratory drinks.  Mine was a little different than Matt's.

I will celebrate with water any day!  Please ignore the bad hair.. I had practice in between hearing our news and dinner.  We hit 80 degrees today.  Is it finally "Spring"?

That was the sweet part of our day.  Very sweet.  Again, cautiously sweet.

As for the bitter.  Shortly after hearing our news, we called our immediate family members and filled them in.  As I said in my previous post, my Grandmother is losing her battle with pancreatic cancer.  She has not been coherent for a few days now.  My mom quietly told her our good news yesterday, and about three hours later she succumbed to this nasty, horrible, horrible disease.  She is no longer suffering, but that does not make it any easier.  I am happy that we were able to tell her prior to her passing, but very sad that she is no longer with us.

I also received some not positive news about my job yesterday, but am choosing to ignore it right now not only because of everything that happened yesterday, but also because it is teacher appreciation week and I should be able to feel appreciated.. not the opposite.  I know I am not a standardized tested subject, but I do feel that business classes are pretty darn important for a teenager's future.  But hey, what do I know.  Finances aren't important.  You don't need to know how to manage money, or use a computer to function in society these days.. or ten years down the road.  (Sorry, I'm a little bitter right now.)

So, for now, we will celebrate (cautiously.. yes, I know I have used this word a lot) and we will grieve.. and I will be pissed off.  The good and the bad, as I said a few weeks ago in another post.  Prayers would still be appreciated as this is a crucial time in our journey.  Thank you all again for everything you have done over the last few months.  I know I could not have gotten to where I have without each and every one of you.

And now.. to find something to wear tonight..