Tis the season to be thankful.

I seriously meant to make this post a few days ago, but time seems to have gotten in the way.  My last post explained why I love this time of year so much and the last few days were nothing short of an awesome kick off to this wonderful holiday season.

First, we only had a two day work week.  Who doesn't get excited about that??  Second, our last few days were filled with family, fun, food and even a little lot of shopping!  We were the Thanksgiving hosts this year.. which simply meant we had everyone gather at our house for the traditional Thanksgiving meal.. none of which we cooked ourselves.

My mom and sister came into town Wednesday afternoon so we could begin preparing the food and table for the following day as well as just have some down time together.  Matt's mom lives right down the road from us, so she joined us for dinner Wednesday night as well.  The rest of the family - my dad and brother (and my family's two dogs) and Matt's sister and her family - joined us on Thursday.  (Overall we had 10 adults, 3 kids and 4 dogs!)  A few brave souls ventured out into the frigidness to run the annual Turkey Trot at 8:30.  Not my cup of tea!  Then everyone slowly gathered at our house around noon so we could devour the delicious 17 lb turkey and all of the other traditional fixings!  A huge thanks to both moms for their cooking efforts and Alison for her delicious additions as well!  (We seriously only provided the location and table settings and tv for parade and football viewing.. our family is awesome!)

Here are a few snapshots from our day.

Our Thanksgiving table.

Our niece Abigail loves the "woof woofs".

My brother and sister and I.

I am the oldest (by far).. and the shortest!

Love my family.

<3 this kid!

Thursday evening was spent doing what most do after they devour ridiculous amount of high carb foods.. laying on the couch watching football.  If only the Ravens would have lost--sigh.

After a super early bed time Thursday night, the girls of the family woke up at a crazy early hour to venture our for our yearly Black Friday shopping trip.  We drive about an hour to a town that has not only a huge mall but also two different sets of outlets.  While I am NOT happy about stores opening on Thanksgiving now (and ripping employees away from their families on the holiday), I was super thrilled about the fact that we did not encounter a single crowd anywhere and still got the awesome deals.  After nine straight hours of shopping, a great lunch, and wayyyy too many shopping bags later.. I can now say that other than a few gift cards, I am officially done with my Christmas shopping!  And I got myself a new pair of boots, too!  Matt was beyond thrilled about this as I have a slight obsession with shoes.

I have so many incredible things to be Thankful for, but I am 100% positive that you do not have the time or the desire to read about all of them.  I am only going to list a minimal few here, but they are pretty big in my book.

I am thankful for my husband.  Not only does he love me, but he puts up with my mood swings, my craziness, my constant worry, and my OCD without even a little bit of complaining!  Oh, and my shoe addiction :)

I am thankful for our two crazy dogs.  Pets are a true definition of a best friend and will show unconditional love no matter what.

I am thankful for my family.  My parents have always been supportive and have always shown us unconditional love.  They have given us so much more than we will probably ever deserve.  My brother and sister have always been my best friends.. even though there is a big age gap.  We have always been there for each other and always will be.

I am thankful for my house that I am able to call my own.  OUR house where we can host family holidays and get togethers with friends.  Our house that we can call home.

I am thankful for friends.  Old and new, near and far.  I still have a great connection with my group of high school girlfriends and was lucky enough to spend a weekend with them a few weeks ago.  I have some wonderful friends that I have met since I moved to southern PA.  And I am lucky enough to have the amazing friends I have met through our infertility journey.  These girls not only understand exactly what I am going through, but they provide support no matter where they are in their journey.  I have made some lifelong friends that I know I will have forever.. even though we may never actually have the opportunity to meet in person.

I am thankful for science, our doctors and nurses.  Without science and medial advances, we would not have the opportunity to create a biological family of our own.  Without the phenomenal doctors and nurses at Shady Grove, we would not have had the opportunities that we have had.  We would not have a plan for the future.  We would not have a secure feeling about this journey.  They go above and beyond every single day to make sure we are not only 100% informed, but also 110% comfortable with everything.  They do not get frustrated or annoyed if I call there 15 times a day to ask questions.  They do not judge our feelings or nervousness or anything else.  They are truly awesome and again, we would not have this opportunity without them.

Again, those are just a few small "things" that I am thankful for not only during this season, but every day.  Overall, I am thankful that God has led us down the path He has.  He has a plan for us all and everything happens for a reason and I truly believe that.

Now, off to finish turning our home into a winter wonderland (pictures to come in a near future post) and maybe even begin wrapping some gifts!  I get all giddy inside just thinking about all of the excitement to come in the next few weeks!

Festive-ness

My last few posts have been about some of the struggles we go through as infertiles, as well as the lessons we learn from these struggles.  I've decided that it's time to change it up this week!

However, before I do, I must ask that you all say a little prayer for my blog friend, Holly. She and her husband recently suffered more loss than any mother and father should have to and my heart is breaking for them.  Please check out their story at Oh Baby, Baby.  And again, say a prayer.

The holidays are right around the corner.  Literally.  Thanksgiving is next week already!  Can you believe it?  I know that I say I love the fall season and it is my favorite.  I do.  I love the weather, the colorful leaves, hoodies, and breaking out boots.  I also say that I love summer.  I do.  I get to spend most of my days with my husband (we are both teachers, but we do still have to work during the summer!), our dogs, and extended family as well as do some traveling.  I have said that I love spring.  Again, I do!  I love seeing things bloom and grow into something beautiful, coaching my lacrosse girls, and breaking out flip flops.  (I am so thankful that I live in a part of the country where we get to experience all four seasons!)  

BUT, when I say that I LOVE the holiday season, I mean that I absolutely LOVE it for so many reasons!  I love being able to spend time with family that we don't get to see often.  I love turning my home into a winter wonderland (yes, I have already done most of this).  I love wearing warm pajamas, fuzzy slippers, and sipping hot chocolate in front of my fireplace.  I love turkey.  And big family meals.  I love the smell of the fresh Christmas tree in our living room.  I love the fact that we can go to a Christmas tree farm, walk around and cut down the tree of our choice.  I love giving gifts to other people and seeing their faces light up (hopefully) when they open them.  I love singing Christmas carols and listening to Christmas music 24/7.  I love celebrating the real reason for the season.   

It is all around just a magical season.  And it makes me smile.

My good friend Chelsea from over at Starbucks, Peace and the Pursuit of a Baby gave me the inspiration for this post.  (If you haven't checked out her blog before, I highly recommend that you do.  She is super sweet and it's A+ material.)  She recently posted about Thanksgiving BEFORE Christmas and how some skip the turkey day decor and celebrations and go straight to the Christmas season while others do not.. and that both are perfectly ok.  In that same post she created a holiday bucket list for she and her husband and asked for reader's suggestions.  What could be more perfect at this time of year than a holiday bucket list?!  I have decided to "borrow" the idea and create a Top 20 type of bucket list for Matt and myself this season.  (It's not necessarily a bucket list because we have done some in the past.)  So, in no particular order.. here are my top 20.  Plus two for good measure!

1.  Turn our home into a peaceful winter wonderland.
2.  Decorate our Christmas tree together.
3.  Make/buy an Advent calendar and count down the days while remembering the reason for the season.
4.  Continue our Christmas Eve pajama tradition.  (I can't wait until we can include a child in this one)
5.  Display the Christmas cards we receive from other people.
6.  Drive around just to look at Christmas lights while rocking out to Christmas music.
7.  Watch as many Christmas movies as possible.  And maybe set a new record for the number of times we watch Christmas Vacation!
8.  Attend a Christmas Eve church service.
9.  Buy a new tree ornament to represent something we did this year.
10.  Make a Gingerbread house.
11.  Bake Christmas cookies.. dozens of Christmas cookies.
12.  Get Sophie and Rooney to SIT together (without playing) and look at the camera for a family photo.
13.  Drop my extra change into the Salvation Army Santa buckets.
14.  Send Christmas cards that include a personal note to all of my lovely IF ladies.
15.  Sip a hot drink while sitting in front of the fireplace with my husband.
16.  Get one out-of-this-world deal on Black Friday.
17.  Throw a great Thanksgiving meal for our family.
18.  Visit the loved ones we have lost.
19.  I love Chelsea's idea of re-inacting a Christmas photo with siblings from when we were younger.  Andy and Abby, we have many to choose from!
20.  Spend time with our family WITHOUT any electronic device.  No cell phone, no iPad, no iPod, no computer.  Time together with no distractions!
21.  One more for good measure.  Say "Merry Christmas" to everyone who says "Happy Holidays" to me.  (I am talking those store employees when you check out.)
22.  Ok, maybe two more.  Wear a festive Christmas shirt.  (It is already ordered and I CANNOT wait!)

I am sure there are many, many more that are way better than what I have listed.  However, these are the first things that came to mind when I sat down to think about it.  As you can tell, I am pretty pumped for the upcoming holidays.  I am fortunate enough to be able to spend them with Matt, the dogs, and both of our families and that is what means the most.  

As for our weekly infertility update.. we are continuing to be patient.  We still ask for continued prayers.  They are appreciated more than you know.

Cheers to the upcoming weeks!

Infertility is scary.

Infertility is very, very scary.  And IVF is very, very, very scary.  Please note.. I am not downplaying any other treatment.  I am simply speaking about my own experiences.

Infertility is like traveling through the land of the unknown.  And the unknown is a frightening place.  What protocol will you be given?  How will your body respond?  What are you chances at success?  Will you retrieve any eggs?  Will your eggs and your hubby's swimmers get together the right way?  Will you have any viable embryos?  Will you transfer go as planned?  Will you end up pregnant?  If so, will it be a viable pregnancy?  Will you ever have a healthy baby of your own?  One that you can hold in your arms after nine successful months of pregnancy.

So many questions.  So many things to worry about.  So much unknown.  

I didn't worry so much with my first cycle.  I was pretty blind going through it all.  I knew what the doctors told us.  I knew our projected success rate.  I read the packets and books that we were given.  But, I never did any other research.  I didn't consult Dr. Google (which by the way, is a very bad thing to do).  I only knew one person that had gone through it.  And now, seven months later, I wish I could go back to those days.  In a way, I wish I was ignorant about it all.  Don't get me wrong, I like being informed and I have met so many amazing women in my shoes, but in this case.. being informed makes me worry a whole lot more.

Our first cycle ended during my eighth week of pregnancy.  We no longer had a heart beat.  The baby had stopped growing.  I had a D&C the following day.  I did A LOT of research.  I did a bad thing.  I consulted Dr. Google.  And as a result, I am now downright scared for our future cycles.  

During our second cycle my two week wait was nothing short of stressful.  It was summer.  I wasn't working.  I worried every single minute of every day during those long fourteen days.  My beta came back negative.  I was not pregnant.  In a way, I got off easy.  I no longer had to worry.  Or so I thought.  

Instead, every day since has been scary.  I have worried about something (even if it was only for a small second) each and every one of those days.  Will our next cycle work?  Is the protocol the correct one?  What does this number mean?  That number isn't the average.  How will my body respond to that medication?  If we make it to one ultrasound, will we make it to the next?  Will we ever make it past seven weeks?

But, I have also learned from this scariness.  I have learned that every person is different.  Every cycle is different.  You cannot compare yourself to someone else.  You cannot compare your cycles.  Each one is made specifically for YOU and the needs of your body and YOUR situation at the time.  You cannot compare symptoms.  Some drugs cause things that others do not.  You cannot sit in depression for weeks because someone you know who just started trying announced their pregnancy.  I have learned that worrying only makes you weak.  It doesn't help anything.  It simply takes away your happiness.  In a way, it ages you.  It puts a strain on everything in your life. 

I have learned to give it all to God.  He is the one who decides everything in your life anyway, right?  He had your entire life planned down to the millisecond before you were even born.  So why not put it all in His hands.  Don't get me wrong, this is something I knew before my infertility journey.  I just never realized how important it REALLY is to actually do this.  So this is what I have done.  I have given our infertility journey completely to God. I am letting our future up to Him.  I am letting Him decide if we will have a baby of our own to hold in our arms someday.  

And since I have made this decision, I have felt better.  I am more at peace.  I worry less.   (I still worry a little.  It is only natural.)  I still have moments, even days of sadness, but I am happy.  I enjoy the little things in life.  I make plans with family and friends.  I go out on dates with my husband.  I no longer sit and feel sorry for myself (and us) day in and day out.  I am excited about things.. including the upcoming Holidays.  It truly is the most wonderful time of the year.

This post may make no sense what-so-ever.  It could come across as a whole bunch of randomness jumbled together.  But I wanted to get these feelings out there.  Maybe it will help someone else.  Who knows!

Patience is a virtue.

I have learned many things while traveling down this path of infertility.  If you knew me before we were diagnosed with the big I word (sometimes I feel like I should have a giant "I" sewn on to every shirt that I own), you would know that patience was not exactly one of my best qualities.. which is odd given that I am a high school teacher.  The key word in that sentence being WAS.  

This journey has taught me the true meaning of patience.  It really is a virtue and I am trying very hard to embrace it.  Each and every part of it.

I have heard people say "we were just referred to an RE.. I hope we get some simple, immediate answers".  While there are many things I want to say to them (and just as many eye rolls I'd like to give.. oh and a big laugh in their face), I think back to our first meeting with Dr. B.  We had an extensive discussion about the test results we already had in our possession, we discussed two potential plans (both based on even more test results), and we talked possible outcomes.  And then we waited.  And my patience was tested.  I had already waited one year.  I did not want to wait any longer.  Little did I know how much waiting IVF really entails.

As an "outsider", you may not understand this.  You think, oh.. a month here.  Two weeks there.  Three days.  A week.  No big deal, right?  Let me tell you.. it is a HUGE deal.  Like tyrannosaurus rex huge. Especially to those of us who long to be moms and dads (and have for a very long time) and have to constantly see pregnant people and babies everywhere we go.  And I mean EVERYWHERE.

So what exact waiting am I talking about?  Allow me to share.  (Please note, that these are the "waiting games" from my personal cycles.  Everyone is different!)

1 - Initial consult, testing, and making a plan.  Your OBGYN refers you to an RE (reproductive endocrinologist).  You wait at least a week (probably more like a month) until the clinic can even get you in for a consult.  Finally, consultation day has arrived!  You are going to get answers!  Or, so you think.  You meet with the doctor in the fancy office.  You talk about your medical history and the 47 page packet of papers you filled out prior to the appointment.  You examine previous test results.  You talk plans and outcomes.  Then, he gives you a gigantic list of additional tests that you both need to have done.  Oh, and you have to wait until your next period starts to get most of them done.  This test needs done on CD3.  This one on CD5.  Then you need to have eleven tubes of blood drawn to make sure you don't have any infections diseases.  Then you need to have more blood tests done to check your hormone levels.  One comes back high.  You start medication.  You have to wait two weeks from that start date to have it re-tested.  Your husband needs to have same said eleven blood tests as well as a semen analysis.  BUT, you can't just drop that lovely cup off at the front desk.  No, you need to have an appointment for that.  And these clinics are a busy place when it comes to that stuff.. so you wait to get in for that appointment.  

Now, what feels like 17 months has passed and your tests are complete.  You must wait for that second consult with your RE (your new best friend) to discuss the results and the big plan.  Luckily, some clinics (like ours) do phone consults if you don't live in the immediate area.  You don't have to wait as long for these.  Only a week or so.  ONLY.

The results are in.  Your only chance is IVF.  Crap.  You think, ok, we can do this.  I will be pregnant in a month from now.  BIG HUGE LAUGH HERE.  Your wait has only just begun.

2 - You are ready to start your cycle.  But wait!  Aunt Flow has yet to show!  (A little Dr. Seuss action here.  Who knew you'd be getting an English lesson with this post!)  Now you must wait for that little B-word to rear her ugly head.  Finally, what seems like an eternity later, the light shines and music plays!  She has arrived!  Now, wait until day 3 to begin taking the birth control pill.  Hold up.  You are putting me on BC so I can get pregnant?  Huh.  Anyway.. now you take the pill for a full month, aka.. a full cycle.  (And now realize that you will NOT pregnant within the month stated above.)  That month just seems like a whole bunch of crappy waiting.  But you do it and love it.

**During this month you get to go to all kinds of fun appointments!  You get to have a mock transfer so the dr can make sure everything in there is peachy keen for the real transfer.  You get to take an injection course so you get those needles in the right places.. only after you mix up the correct doses.  And you get to admire all of the pregnant people around you!

Your month of BC has finally finished!  Big celebration!  Now, you get to start your injections!  For me, there was not much waiting during this time.  I responded incredibly well to my protocol and only needed the ten days of injections and one trigger shot.  However, during this time I did have to wait every single day for the nurse to call with my doses for the night as a result of the morning blood and ultrasound monitoring appointments.  That is NOTHING!

3 - It's time to retrieve some eggs!  You arrive at the clinic.  You wait in the waiting room.  You get called back to the surgical prep area.  You get an IV.  Then you wait until it is your turn.  You go in the OR.  Your eggs are retrieved.  You go to the recovery room.  They do immediately tell you how many eggs were retrieved.  Hooray!  Then you go home and rest.  And you wait for the clinic to call and tell you how many eggs fertilized.  Then you wait to get the call about how many are progressing and when your transfer will be scheduled.

4 - It's transfer day!  You go back to said clinic and wait in the same waiting room.  You get called back to a different room.  You view your beautiful little embryos on a screen.. and you have them transferred into your uterus.  This process is really quite amazing.  Then they send you home to spend 24 hours on bed rest with light activity for the next two weeks.  Then the wait from hell beings.

5 - That hellish two week wait.  Two weeks may not seem like a lot to you.  But for us interfiles, that two weeks is more like a lifetime.  An eternity.  During this time you analyze every little nic and twinge you feel.  You literally examine the toilet paper every single time you go to the bathroom.  Which may be way more than normal because you are paranoid.  (I am the paranoid type.)  You get up every morning thinking to yourself (or out loud to your husband), is it too early to pee on a stick?  Eventually, you convince yourself (and your sweet husband) that it is not.  And you pee on said stick.  You get a result.  You are either happy or crushed.  You decided to continue peeing on a stick four times a day every day from here on out until the end of your two week wait.  During these two weeks, you also see more pregnancy announcements than you ever thought possible.  You see pregnant people everywhere.  You see babies.  And you want to steal them.

6 - Your beta.  The dreaded two week wait is over.  The day of your beta blood test has arrived.  You drive to the clinic.  They take a tube of blood.  Easy, peasy.  And then you wait.  And you wait.  And you wait.  Until sometime later that afternoon when the nurse finally calls you with your results.  (Good or bad)  If you are lucky, and those results are good, you will return to the clinic in 48 hours to repeat the beta test.  And then you can repeat the above waiting schedule to see if your numbers rose at the appropriate pace.  If you get good news this time, you wait yet another 48 hours and you get a third beta.  Repeat waiting schedule.  And in some cases, you get to do this a fourth time!  You will probably chew off every single finger nail during this time.  And nail polish.  And whatever else you are in to.  You will also be quite irritable.

7 - Ultrasound number 1.  After your last beta, you generally wait a week until your first ultrasound.  This is very exciting!  However, if you are a seasoned IVF-er things start to run through your head.  Is this an ectopic pregnancy?  Are things normal?  What is that twinge I feel?  What is that on the toilet paper?  I have this symptom.  I don't have that one.  Should I call the nurse?  Will she think I am stupid?  Oh well.  I'm calling regardless.  Finally, that day arrives.  You drive to the clinic (about an hour one way for us).  You wait in the waiting room for your turn.  You get called back to the exam room.  You sit on the table.  You wait for the doctor to come in.  Now your mind is in over-drive.  Are things going to look good today?  What if it is bad.  What will we do.  Finally, as you feel you are about to puke your guts out from nerves, the doctor opens that door.  Here comes your friend, the ultrasound wand.. aka, dildo cam.  Finally.. a picture on the screen.  Things look great (again, this is my experience)!  A sigh of relief.  You talk to the doctor.  He says return in one week to check the progress of the baby and ensure things are moving along normally.

8 - The return ultrasounds.  This wasn't scary the first time around because I was naive.  I thought things were perfect.  Then the third ultrasound hit.  And bam.  No more heartbeat.  I've done a blog post or two on this, so I'm not going to repeat that.  However, you are now scarred for life.  Every time you have to wait for "the next" ultrasound in future cycles you will worry if the same thing is going to happen.  That one week waiting period between each one can be killer, I'm sure.  The constant wonder and worry if this is going to be a repeat of the first cycle.  Again, the waiting game.

9 - If something goes wrong.  If your beta numbers do not rise.  If your beta level is 0.  If you miscarry or have to have a D&C.  All entail waiting.  Painful waiting.  Waiting for your hCg level to return to 0.  Waiting for your next period to arrive so you can begin again.  Waiting to hear the results of the genetic testing on your embryo for the D&C.  Waiting for your miscarriage to run its course.  Very painful waiting.

After 9 examples, you get my point.  I am sorry for rambling.  I just feel it necessary to share the amount of waiting we go through and the fact that we need to be patient each and every day.  And that we each do this with very little to no complaining (to the public, anyway).  It is a part of our life.  It is a part of who we are.  

I feel that I am now a much more patient person.  Maybe this was one of the many lessons God wanted me to learn from this journey.  He wanted me to have more patience for my future child/children.  If that is the case, I am thankful for traveling this journey.  I am thankful that I now have a greater appreciation for the quality of patience.  I am thankful that I will be more prepared for motherhood.  I'm sure my future child/children will be thankful for this, too.

At this time, I am being patient.  We are being patient.  We are playing the waiting game.  And we are embracing it, as scary as it may be.  Prayers are greatly appreciated, as always.