Week 21

Week 21 was an exciting one!  We got a few things accomplished with the nursery, had my 21 week appointment (I'm a week behind), got tons of clothes for little Hudson, and got ourselves a new, "big kid" bed!

How far along: 21 weeks (as of 2.15.14)

Gender: It's a BOY!

Baby is: The size of a pomegranate.. about 10.5 inches long and 12.2 ounces.

Weight gain: 11 pounds as of this week's OB appointment.

Maternity clothes: Yes, yes and yes.  I can still wear some of my own shirts, but they are starting to be way too uncomfortable.  Lacrosse starts next week (outdoor!) and very few of my hooded sweatshirts fit normally.. so it looks like Matt is going to have to start sharing!

Stretch marks: Not yet.  Applying Palmer's cocoa butter and lotion daily.

Belly button in or out: In.. and weird.

Sleep: I could sleep 24/7, but I don't.  I do still fall asleep immediately, but my sleep is now broken.  I wake up multiple times a night and usually right before my alarm goes off.  Still feeling good, though.

Best moment this week: Feeling more movement and getting the crib and many other goodies in the mail.  His crib is in and put together, his cute little bath tub came in (www.bloomingbath.com--seriously so cute), along with a few other goodies like his nursing pillow, car seat cover, etc.

Movement: Movement is becoming more and more frequent.  We learned his position at my appointment this week, so I now have a better idea of what I am feeling.  Our doctor for this appointment (we are at a practice, so I generally see a different one each time since we don't know who will be on call when I deliver) had a hand-held ultrasound machine, so we got to see him squirming around.  He actually kept kicking the probe which was pretty neat to see.  I definitely feel him the most when I am sitting at my desk after lunch.  Food gets him all wound up!

Cravings: The spicier, the better.  And hot dogs smothered in cheese and onions.  I seriously cannot get enough of these two things.  Gross!

Queasy or sick: Feeling good!  I want to eat constantly.. and I pretty much do.

Looking forward to: Putting things together.  His dressers are supposed to be delivered at the end of this week or the beginning of next.  At that point, I can start organizing clothes, diapers, etc. and hang things on the walls.  I have my vision in my head, I just need to make it complete!  Lacrosse will officially start next week, so time will be limited!  I am also looking forward to spring weather at this point.  With outdoor practices and games rapidly approaching (like a game in less than 2 weeks!), I'd rather not have to stand outside in the frigidness for 3+ hours an afternoon/evening!

Matt wanted to test out the crib, so he put Rooney in to see how he fit!  *Disclaimer - Rooney did not or cannot jump in or out of the crib himself.  Matt lifted him both in and out!*

This week we decided that the queen bed was just not working for us.  Between the two of us, Sophie at 95 pounds, and Rooney at 85 pounds, the space was just not working.  I know, I know.  Kick the dogs out of the bed.  That may seem easy for some of you, but their lives are about to get turned upside down and I want this part to remain constant for them.  So, we broke down and bought a king size bed and matching bedroom suit - which we did not have before!  I didn't want to spend a ton of money since we have a bunch of baby expenses coming up real quick (not to mention everything that got us this far)!  So, I found a set I liked on Ikea's website.  We made a trip down there last weekend to see it in person.  We liked it just as much in person, so we made the purchase - along with a few other things.  You seriously cannot leave that store without buying something extra!  I love that Ikea offers quality products at an inexpensive price.  What I don't love is that you have to put everything together yourself!  While it was easy, it was very time consuming.  We literally spent 15 hours last weekend putting this stuff together.  And then came the task of finding a mattress that we both liked.  We knew we wanted memory foam of some sort, but not Tempur pedic.  Those things are like sleeping on an oven and cost and arm and a leg.  We went with a cheaper version of the same thing.  Of course it was not in stock and we already had the bed together.  So, we made another trip to Maryland to pick up the mattress and box springs from the warehouse.  Well worth it in the end!  I am very pleased with how everything turned out and we have so much more space in bed with the pups.  Here are some shots of a couple of the pieces of furniture.

And last but not least, this picture is pure awesomeness!  My sister-in-law has 3 (almost 4!) kiddos.  The two oldest are boys.  She literally gave us every item of boy clothing she has from newborn to 4T.  While the early stuff was a little difficult (different seasons), once we hit 24mo/2T, we had a gold mine!  We are so lucky to have all of this stuff put away for the future.  Thank you, Alison!

Week 20

I feel like I should be jamming to Bon Jovi right now!  Wooooo we're half way there, ohhhh Livin' on a prayer!  Wow.. so surreal to have made it this far.  The half way point!

How far along: 20 weeks (as of 2.8.14)

Gender: It's a BOY!

Baby is: The size of a banana.. about 6.5 inches long and 10.6 ounces.

Weight gain: 6 pounds as of my last OB appointment.

Maternity clothes: I broke down and ordered maternity pants this week.  The belly band is just not working for all day work pants anymore!  I can still fit into some of my shirts, but not too many comfortably.

Stretch marks: Not yet.  Using that cocoa butter oil from Kristin daily!

Belly button in or out: In

Sleep: I still fall asleep as soon as I lay down, but it is now broken sleep.  I wake up a few times each night, but am able to fall back asleep within a half an hour.  Hopefully the new bed and mattress (King size, baby!) we bought this week will help!

Best moment this week: Ordering everything for our little guy's nursery.  We ordered his crib, dresser, chest of drawers and glider/ottoman along with his bedding.. which came in (embroidered and all) within three days.  Props to Pottery Barn Kids.  I also ordered his awesome bath tub from Blooming Bath (check it out.. so stinking cute), a diaper bag, and we have pretty much finalized our registries.  I am having so much fun preparing for him.  I know we still have 20 weeks to go, but lacrosse season starts in two short weeks (despite having two feet of snow on the ground) and once that starts, my time will be very limited with practices and games six days a week.  The season will go until at least mid-May (most likely the end of May) and that will leave little time at the end.. so we are trying to do as much now as possible. Our next step is to paint his bathroom the same color as his bedroom.

Movement: This is by far the best best best part of this week!  Friday morning, I was sitting on the couch writing one of my blog posts and I feel a legit kick or punch from Mr. H!  I immediately put my hand in the area and was able to feel a few small movements from the outside.  Poor Matt.  Every time I had him put his hand on my stomach to feel, the little guy would stop.  Hopefully he can feel something soon!  I have found over the last couple of days that if I sit down after I eat, he is one active little man.

Cravings: The spicier, the better.  And hot dogs smothered in cheese.. wtf?

Queasy or sick: Feeling good!  I want to eat constantly.

Looking forward to: The nursery furniture coming in this week and being able to start putting things together!  I also have my 20/21 week appointment this week.  Also looking forward to feeling more movement as time progresses.  Can I look forward to some sign of Spring as well?

Infertility.

A reader of my blog requested (a while back) that I do a post on the emotional part of infertility and how I managed to get through it.  I haven't had the time to compile this post (it isn't an easy one to write), but thanks to our recent snowmageddon, I've had some extra time.  This post is full of raw emotion and pure honesty, and will probably seem all over the place.  I was hesitant to post some of it at first, but this is my blog and these types of posts are my way of getting my feelings out and working through them.

First, I don't feel as though I have "beat" infertility.  Yes, we are currently pregnant.  But in my mind, I see it more as getting over one speed bump.. I guess.  Winning one inning, or one game out of a full season.  I will always be infertile.  We will always be a couple that has to fight this unfair battle.  The minute our little boy comes into this world, we will immediately go back to being infertile.  I have not beat it.  It will always be a part of me.  After many months of struggling, I have learned to accept that.  However, I have also decided that I will not let it define me.

Our journey has not been an easy one.  If you have been an avid follower, you know our story from start to the present.  If you are a newbie, here is a quick re-cap.  We were told IVF was our only option from the beginning.  While this totally sucks, I was also glad that we were able to just bring out the big guns from the start and not have to suffer through multiple failed IUI attempts.  Our first fresh cycle (last spring) resulted in a singleton pregnancy.  At our 8 week ultrasound, we learned that the baby no longer had a heart beat.  I had a D&C the following day.  Our second cycle (a frozen cycle) took place over the summer.  We transferred two perfect embryos.  The cycle was a complete failure.  Our third cycle took place in September/October.  We transferred another two perfect embryos, and this cycle resulted in a singleton pregnancy.  We are currently about to hit our half way mark with this pregnancy and are beyond thankful and grateful.

These cycles were all filled with both physical and emotional pain.  

On the physical side, I was terrified of needles walking into this.  At this point, you can stab me with a 2 inch long syringe and I'm not going to flinch.  However, the blood work still gets me.  Apparently I can't see my own blood.  My body was covered in bruises.  I still have two numb spots above my butt from the PIO shots.  I have no idea if I will ever regain feeling in this area, but I don't care.  The veins in my elbows have so much scar tissue that they need to "pop" through the tissue to get to my actual vein.  The sting from the Lovenox (blood thinner) shots was intense every single night.  The bloat and pain from OHSS was not an easy feat, either.  It's more uncomfortable than anything, but it isn't a walk in the park.  

The physical pain is nothing compared the emotional side/pain of infertility.

Infertility just plain hurts.  No way of hiding that fact.  You feel that everyone around you is pregnant.  And they got pregnant at the drop of a hat the first month they tried.  You feel like a failure as a woman because you can't do the one thing you are put on this earth to do.  You feel like you are wasting your time and money.. and a lot of both.  You feel like you are never going to get past it.  You feel like it is never going to end.  And the struggle really never does end.

The original question was, how did I work through this?  

At first I kept it all in.  I hid the fact that we were dealing with infertility and going through IVF from everyone except family and very close friends.  I was a closed book.  I quickly learned that this was not the way to go.  Keeping things in is not healthy.  I made my blog public.  I slowly shared with people who asked the never ending question, "When are you going to have kids?".  I connected with some amazing women online who were/are walking down the same path.  My support system grew day by day.  It was one of the best things I could have done.  Without these people (especially my online friends, who I may never meet in person) I would not be where I am today.  They gave (and still give) me the strength and courage to wake up every day and fight this battle.  We send cards and care packages to each other, and let me tell you, they will brighten any crappy day!

I cried.  I am not an emotional person.  I rarely cry.  I do not wear my heart on my sleeve.  But after the first few weeks of our first cycle, I cried.  Yes, the insane amounts of hormones I was injecting into my body daily may have had a slight impact on this.  But I still did it.  And it was a relief.  Matt would ask what was wrong.  I didn't have an answer.  I just needed to cry.  And I felt better after I did.

I got a journal.  Writing has been my saving grace.  I still write almost daily.  I have a journal where I just write what I am feeling.  I also have a journal that one of my friends, Chelsea, gave me to write letters to my future baby.  I write to him.  I have found that writing anything helps.  When I look back as some of my entries I laugh.  When I look at others I wonder what the heck I was thinking.  But one thing is for sure.  It helped me at the time and that is all that matters.

I read.  I read books about infertility.  My favorite (to date) is Every Drunken Teenager, Why Not Me?  It's got a mix of humor, faith, and raw emotion while one woman shares her path down the walk of infertility.  I have read this book three times since March.  I have read a few others as well.  I also read blogs.  It helps me to see the journey other women have been on and after awhile, their success stories helped me as well.  They gave me hope.  The hope I needed to make it through the day.  To this day, I still have about twenty blogs that I diligently follow.  I love keeping up with these girls.

I strengthened my faith.  I have always been a Christian.  I have always gone to church while growing up.  I have always prayed.  I just upped the ante on these things.  We found a local church to attend, and go as often as we can.  I changed the way I prayed.  I began reading daily devotionals.  I made myself remember (daily) that everything happens for a reason and it will all happen in God's time according to His plan.  I gave all of my fears and anxiety to God.  Now, I still have some of those feelings in the back of my mind, but I know that I cannot change how anything happens.  It will be how He wants it to be, and I have accepted that fact.

I accepted the fact that some people stay and some people do not.  Not everyone is going to care about your struggles.  Not everyone is going to acknowledge the hardships you are going through.  Even some family members.  At first, this really bothered me and I worked to keep these relationships.  Then I realized that not everyone is meant to stay in your life forever.  And I let them go.  Right or wrong, I stopped fighting for my relationship with them.  I had myself, my husband, and my future child/children to worry about.  And that is where I shifted all of my strength to.  I focused on us and our future and let the negativity (and the negative people) go.  It worked for me.

And now, I have slightly shifted my "fight" even more.  I am focusing on and fighting for my son.  My (our) world revolves around him.  We now make decisions based on him.  If we don't think something is in our best interest because of him, we are not going to do it.  Plain and simple.  He is my (and our) world.  And he deserves the world.  I don't know if I will ever have the opportunity to experience pregnancy again in the future, or have another child.  So 100% of my focus is on this pregnancy and my son.  Not everyone understands that and likes that fact, and quite honestly, I do not care.  In my opinion, you don't have room to judge someone and their decisions until you walk even a minute in their shoes.  Especially if you are one of those people I referred to in the previous paragraph.

Every story is different.  But, I can tell you that the battle is not easy.  It hurts both physically and emotionally.  Probably more than anything you've ever experienced.  But every second, every once of pain, every penny of those tens of thousands of dollars spent, and every emotion experienced will be 110% worth it in the end when you see that little heart beat on the screen for the first time.  And again when you see your child wiggling around on that same ultrasound screen.  And when you feel he or she kick you for the first time.  And I can only imagine the overwhelming joy and appreciation for the battle the first time you get to hold your sweet baby in your arms for the first time.  I know I am looking forward to it more than anything.

All you need is love.. and a blizzard.

Happy Valentine's Day!

I bring this post to you from snow day number SEVEN.  Yes, seven.  I have been in school (either as a student or teacher) since 1989.  I know, I just dated myself.  But anyway, in all of those years I have never had this many snow days in one school year.  How crazy!  I know that we live in the northeastern part of the country and that our winters are usually  filled with cold and snow, but I am 99% sure (from what I read) that we broke the record this year for the number of snows we have had that have totaled at least six inches.  Our last blizzard was in 1993 or 1996.

We have officially gotten to the point where we need to add days on to the end of our school year - and possibly push back graduation.  While these days off are nice now, I know I will be cursing them once the middle of June rolls around.  We were originally supposed to have a four day weekend this weekend, but both of our days were used up with previous snow days.  As it turns out, we got our four day weekend in the end.  Irony?  I don't know.

I am looking out my windows right now at two feet of fresh snow that is piled on top of the six inches or snow we had on the ground from last week.  Needless to say, the dogs are loving it!  Just a few pictures to capture this craziness.

If you look closely, you can see the very top of our mailbox across the street.

Rooney is pumped because he doesn't even have to squat to pee!

Back to Valentine's Day.  I have not always been a fan of this holiday because I hate cliches.  However, I look past the cliche and celebrate this holiday with my husband for the third year in a row.  He is without a doubt my best friend and biggest support system.  There is no way I would be where I am today as a person, or we would be where we are today as a couple without him.  He is my rock and my shoulder to cry on.. which doesn't happen often ;).  Without him, I wouldn't be carrying our sweet baby boy that we both look so forward to meeting in a few short months.  He went above and beyond this year with his gift (which I specifically said we were not doing!).  I am a Pandora addict and he knows it.  

He picked out the H charm for our sweet Hudson and the earrings are our little guy's birthstone.. given he makes his arrival on time!

And last but not least, I want to give a "shout out" to my friend Steph and her husband Chris, who welcomed their baby boy, Jackson, into the world yesterday.  Congrats to both of you!  He is one handsome little boy!

Art project with a side of snow day.

And here we are, snow day number 6!  This is the mother of all storms (so far) this year.  It's currently 12 noon and we have 16 inches of fresh snow.. with round two projected to begin later this afternoon.  Kudos to you, mother nature.  Kudos to you. 

Anyway, when we found out we were having a boy, I immediately started to draw up his nursery in my mind.  I am all about simple and classic, but I also love a little pattern and all things nautical.  (Thus the tattoo on my wrist.)  I (decorating is not Matt's forte) decided to go with a gray, black and white color scheme and throw in the chevron pattern here and there.  I began to do some searching in Etsy for things to put on his walls.  I found some canvas sets that I absolutely loved.  What I did not love about them was the price.  Lucky for me, one of my good friends is an art teacher at my school!  She said she had some extra canvases and we could totally do the project for free!

I was in!  However, my artistic ability is anything but.  She said she'd do the "difficult" parts and show me how to do the rest.  Challenge accepted.

I chose a set of three canvases - one large and 2 medium sized.  I went with my color scheme of gray, black and white and even threw in some nautical!

Here are some pictures from start to finish.  I am pretty proud of the end result and am excited to be able to tell our little guy that mommy did this project (with a lot of help from Julie) for him.

And finally, the finished product!

My plan is to hang these above his crib, but I won't make that final decision until his furniture comes in and we have it set up and put into place.

Week 19

Week 19 has been a crazy and exciting week!  I have so much to share.. so be prepared for a long post filled with lots of pictures!

How far along: 19 weeks (as of 2.1.14)

Gender: It's a BOY!

Baby is: The size of a mango.. about 6.0 inches long and 8.5 ounces.

Weight gain: 6 pounds as of my last OB appointment.

Maternity clothes: If I could live in leggings, life would be perfect!  None of my pants close, so still using the belly band when possible or maternity pants.  Shirts.. I can still wear some of mine, but the extra room in the maternity shirts are so much more comfortable.

Stretch marks: Not yet.

Belly button in or out: In

Sleep: I fall asleep as soon as my head hits the pillow, but I find myself waking up multiple times a night and eventually not able to fall back asleep.  Still feel rested, though.

Best moment this week: Our mid-pregnancy ultrasound which confirmed that our sweet boy is a boy and that he is also nice and healthy!  I feel like I cannot see him enough :)

Movement: I have definitely felt some flutters this week, but not much more than that.  I will explain below!

Cravings: The spicier, the better.

Queasy or sick: Feeling good!

Looking forward to: Ordering nursery furniture and bedding!  I am so excited to begin to put his things together and prepare for him.  It's so surreal.

Ahh.. week 19!  This was a long, short week.. if that makes any sort of sense!  We started the week with a snow day on Monday.  A snow day that brought us a good ten inches of snow.. yikes!  We had a 2 hour delay on Tuesday due to the refreeze on the country roads -- our district is very rural.  

Basketball season came to an end Tuesday evening and brought a nice ice storm with it.  We got about 1/4 of an inch of ice Tuesday night into Wednesday.  We had our FIFTH snow day on Wednesday, but it was an eerie, eerie day.  We woke up to the text telling us that school was closed around 5:30.  I was unable to fall back asleep after that because all I could hear was trees and large limbs crashing down in the woods around our house.  We lost power around 9:00 am and didn't get it back until almost 6:00 pm.. which ended up being a very SHORT period of time compared to many others around us.  We sat in our house in silence (watching the temperature drop on the thermostat) just listening to our trees come down one by one.  We ventured out at one point to check out the damage and see how much work we have ahead of us.  Let's just say.. we are going to need a chainsaw and a few days.  We also ventured out for lunch.. only to find that a gigantic tree came down on power lines down the road from us and that was causing our power outage.  Again, we were very lucky to get our power back when we did.. there are still some (including one of our school buildings) in our immediate area that are without power--5 days later.  Thursday brought another 2 hour delay (rough life, right?).  And Friday brought some awesome excitement!  

Matt and I were off work for the day because we had our appointment at Maternal Fetal Medicine.  We were one of the first appointments of the day, so we did not have to wait long to be seen.  I was being strategic when I scheduled this one :)

We spent about an hour with the ultrasound tech checking every little part of our sweet, little guy.  We started with his face because he was facing us.  We saw some cute little eyes, a button nose, and his lips.  We then moved on to the arms/hands/legs/feet because he was squirming around like a little fish!  Everything measured on target.  Next, we moved on to his neck and brain.  Again, all checked out well.  Next, we confirmed that he is in fact a boy.. and this time he was not afraid to show us his goods.  Typical boy already :)  The spine, placenta, cord and abdomen were next and then finally his heart.  He would not hold still long enough to get every view of the heart and he refused to turn the way the tech wanted him to.. so, I had to do two minutes of toe-touches and walk around the room!  That did the trick.. and his heart was doing it's thing normally.  The last thing we tried for was a full profile, but all we could get was a profile of his head and neck.  He would NOT hold still long enough to get anything else!

The tech asked if I was feeling any of his crazy movements and I said no.  She told me that was perfectly normal because the placenta is directly between him and I and therefore cushioning most of his movements.  As I said above, I have felt some flutters, but nothing of significant strength.  She told me not to expect that until between weeks 22 and 24 due to the placement of the placenta.  I will say that put my mind at ease since most others are feeling their babies by this point.

It was just so surreal being able to see him move and wiggle around and knowing that he is a healthy little boy.  I will leave you with some pictures from our appointment and a picture of a sweet goodie box from Stacy over at Live, Laugh, Love.

She snapped a quick shot of his face while he was looking at us.

He was kicking his feet all over the place. Maybe an indication that he will be a soccer player?

Thanks, Stace! You're the best!

P.S.  It's snowing AGAIN as I type this post!  

Snow Day!

Today happens to be our fourth.. yes FOURTH.. snow day of this school year.  This is my eighth year of teaching and only the second time we have exhausted all of our built in snow days.  The difference this time.. it's only February 3rd!  We still have a good month of winter left, if not more.  So, any more days off will get tacked on to the end of the school year in June.  Oh, and let's talk about the rain/snow/ice storm we are supposed to get on tomorrow and Wednesday and the possibility for a nor'easter in the works for the weekend.  Phil was right when he predicted six more weeks of winter yesterday!

Today's storm gave us the most snow we have seen (at one time) this year!  Sophie and Rooney have spent more time outside than inside.  They love chasing each other around and rolling in the piles of snow and eating a good bit as well.  

Happy Snow Day to all of you in the North East!