Our weekend in pictures.

We had a pretty eventful weekend.  We did some traveling, spent some time with family, and welcomed fall into our home!

1.  We traveled north to see our nephews play soccer.  What an experience that was!  Have you ever watched a bunch of 4 and 5 year olds run around on a soccer field??  The ball goes one way, and all eight kids on the field gather in a cluster and run to the ball.  Except one little girl, who thought it was much more fun to do chin-ups on the goal, climb the net, and pick grass.  These two are so comical.. and they can bust some serious dance moves!

How could this face NOT make you smile?  She is developing her personality and refuses to let her older brothers over-power her!

2.  Fall clothes.  Need I say more?

Who doesn't love some cheetah Toms, a camo scarf, and a navy blue bag?!

3.  We welcomed fall into our home - both inside and out!

There may have been some battle wounds from the corn stalks, but it was so worth it!  I love decorating our porch and fireplace.

4.  I ended the weekend with my annual back to school sinus infection.  I made it three whole weeks this year before contracting that nasty thing!  That meant a couple of nights bundled up in sweats, fuzzy socks, and blankets while snuggling on the couch with my furry kids.. and a box of tissues.

Overall, we had a great weekend!  Of course we are looking forward to the next!

Call me crazy.

Because I am.  And I know it.  And I wish I had better control over it.

Before you start down this path called IVF, doctors, nurses, experiences veterans, etc. will tell you that the massive amounts of hormones being pumped in you combined with the process itself will make you crazy.  Like the kind of crazy where your husband wants to sleep with a knife under his pillow. (Matt hasn't done this to my knowledge.. Yet.)  The kind of crazy where your students ask you why you are tearing up over the fact that cash is an asset.  Yes, this really happened.  The Godzilla B-word kind of crazy.  The kind where you feel like you have no control. 

I took these warnings and let them go in one ear and out the other.  That was never going to happen to me.  I wouldn't let it.  Well, guess what?  Stupid, stubborn me is sitting here right now wondering how exactly I am going to control my emotions and not be THAT crazy hormonal lady everyone talks about.

I honestly don't know why I am like this.  One minute I am laughing, the next I am talking about cake while sobbing, and the next I am mad at everyone I come in contact with simply because they exist.  Yesterday I hated bugs and decided they all needed to die immediately because some of their friends thought my feet were a nutritious meal this weekend.  Oh, and every pair of shoes I wear rubs at least one of them.  Evil, evil creatures.  And way off point.

I have decided to blame my craziness on a few things.

1 - Hormones and medications.  During an IVF cycle (both fresh and frozen) you are pumped full of insane amounts of hormones.. and possibly other types of medications to fix your broken-ness.  Then, for whatever reason, your cycle stops.  And all of the above mentioned medications are stopped.  Abruptly at that.  And now your body is going through withdrawal from these meds.  Wait.  Now you can start another cycle.  You can start taking some pills.  Two weeks after that you can add in some heavy duty injections.  How does this not make you crazy?  Emotional?  Irritable?  Sigh..

2 - Head games.  IVF is like a roller coaster ride.  A lot like the Super Dooper Looper (for my fellow Pennsylvanians) at Hershey Park.  Things are looking good.  Really good!  Your RE has nothing but positive things to say.  Then BAM!  Something went wrong.  Instead of graduating to your OB, you are scheduling a D&C.  Instead of a positive pregnancy test at the end of your two week wait (those two weeks alone can turn any same person into a crazy monster) you are wondering what went wrong.  Instead of definitive answers, you are adding things to your next cycle because "this" could have been a problem.  You are now classified as unexplained fertility.  You were happy.  Now you are sad.  You were excited.  Now you don't even want to get out of bed.  Again, makes you crazy emotional.

3 - Everyone around you is pregnant.  And "it was easy!" (for most).  "We weren't even trying."  Their husband just looked at them and they were immediately knocked up!  And my all time favorite.  The sixteen year old girl that isn't positive who her baby will call Daddy.  Seriously girl, you have like a two day window.  Have some respect for yourself.  And family planning is free.  It is not their fault that you feel like this.  And no, not everyone around you is pregnant.  But that is how we infertiles perceive it.  Don't get me wrong.  We are sincerely happy for you.  But, we are also sad for ourselves.  And we have every right to feel that way given everything we have been through and have to go through.

4 - Age.  I refer to myself as a "twenty-something," though that will not be true much longer.  GASP!  That in itself scares the living bejeezus out of me.  I only graduated from college.. oh, many more years ago than I care to publicly admit.  The age itself is not a big deal to me.  It is that constantly ticking infertile biological clock that is causing the issue.  Thirty is kind of a big deal in the world of infertility.  At that point you are beginning to near the "advanced age" status.  Yikes.  Not to mention, I don't want my future chidden to get the "you have the oldest parents" label all through school.  **At least they can use the comeback "oh yeah, well my parents have to give you a grade someday."  The perks of living in the same district in which you teach.

Ok, time to stop my rant.  You get the point by now.  If you haven't already picked up on it, I am in a bit of an emotional slump right now.  I know things will get better.  But, I am also an over analyzer and some of these things run through my head 24/7.  Yes, 24/7.  I have not been much of a sleeper lately.  Don't get my wrong, I go to bed early, but by 1:00 am, I am wide awake and my mind is in overdrive with the constant "what-ifs".  (The two 75+ pound dogs that sleep in our bed don't help either.)

So, I will apologize now to anyone that may happen to run into me in person in the next few days.  It may not be pretty.  And I will probably cry.  Especially if you talk about cake.

For those of you on the outside looking in on an infertility journey, remember this:

"Their emotions can become a monster to swallow them whole." --about those going through IVF

I cannot control my emotions, but will do my best to keep them in check.

PS.. It's Hump DAYYYYYYYY

A new sense of hope.

Today we had our "wtf" appointment with our RE.  When I say wtf, I mean we discussed wtf happened with our failed cycle and wtf are we going to do next.

I have to start out by saying that I absolutely LOVE Dr. B.  Every time I talk to him in person, I leave feeling fifty times better than I did when I walked in that door.  I feel rejuvenated.  I have a new, fresh sense of hope.  Today was no different.

We had to meet at our clinic's new location today - in Camp Hill.  Different direction in travel, and a VERY small office.  But cozy.. despite the awkward extremely bright colored walls that he said the contractors messed up!

We had no wait time and were immediately taken back to his office.  The first thing we did was sign consent forms for our next cycle.  Next came the discussion.  He said he is frustrated for us and completely understands that we are, too.

He chalked our failure up to one or more of the following things.

1 - Just plain crappy luck.  The embryos just simply did not attach.
2 - They chose the wrong embryos.  At the time of this transfer, we had 14 embryos in the freezer.  I am ecstatic about this number.  However, it makes it very difficult for the embryologists to determine which embryo(s) is the very best.  It is also difficult to determine which have a bigger likelihood of becoming a viable pregnancy.  This is not a bad problem to have, and I am not complaining.. but it is a problem.
3 - The blood in my uterus is clotting and preventing the embryos from attaching.  This is nothing something that can be tested, so there is no positive way of knowing if this is or is not a problem.  But it doesn't hurt anything to treat it as if it were a problem.

So, where do we go from here?

We do another frozen cycle and transfer.  

What do we do differently?

Not much.  We hope that maybe it was just crappy luck.  We hope that this time the RIGHT embryos are chosen.  And, we adjust my medication protocol.

I will still be getting the Del Estrogen and Progesterone in Oil injections.  However, this time I will add in a Lovenox (blood thinner) injection to get rid of any clotting--if there is any, and a steroid pill to get rid of any inflammation.

IF this works, AWESOME!

If it doesn't?  We do the same thing next cycle and add in two endo biopsies to further examine my uterine lining and see if it is a hostile environment.  Why are we not doing this for our third cycle?  Dr. B doesn't feel that there is a strong positive or negative to doing this testing after one failed cycle and one cycle that resulted in a loss.  After two failed cycles, then yes.. it has a positive.

Today was a lot to take in and digest, but it was all good.  I love that he has a plan for us.  I love that he thinks ahead to what we can do IF this one does not work.  I just really, really like him and our clinic!

With that being said, Happy almost Friday!  And HAPPY HAPPY fall weather!!  Enjoy those high school football games tomorrow night!

One last beach weekend.

Let's start by saying that my mom is awesome!  She decided to spend the last weekend of summer taking my sister and I to Ocean City, MD for a girls beach weekend!  

If you can't already tell, I am a beach lover.  Always have been, always will be.  I will blame this on my mom and the fact that I was six weeks old the first time I went to the beach.  She trained me early :)

We left after school on Friday and made the short 3.5 hour trip.  We hit some traffic, but nothing terrible.  We checked into our hotel and slept the night away.

Saturday and Sunday were PERFECT beach days.  The temperature was in the 80s.  We did have 90% humidity, but the 30mph "breeze" made that feel incredibly comfortable.  We got up early and went for a 4 mile bike ride on the boardwalk and then spent all day Saturday laying on the beach soaking up what little sun summer has left.  I also got the chance to meet up with some high school girl friends who were staying 8 blocks away and hang out with them as well!  

 Saturday brought some excitement.  While lounging in our beach chairs, we looked out onto the ocean and saw a fishing boat giving off a large amount of black smoke.. the thing was on fire!  Two people were quickly rescued, the fire was put out.. and the boat sank after being taken over by the waves.  Wow.  How crazy!

We ate an awesome seafood dinner Saturday night and then spent an hour or so walking the boardwalk.. enjoying the many, many sights!

Sperm kites??

Sunday began as a perfect beach day, but we were chased off the beach around 1:00 due to thunderstorms.  We were only 9 blocks away getting boardwalk pizza for lunch when they began to clear everyone from the beach.  So, we got a nice "jog" in flip flops after our amazing greasy pizza lunch!  Yes, that was a sight to see!

So, what do any girls do on a stormy beach afternoon?  They head north to Rehobeth to do some tax-free outlet shopping!  Talk about major end of season sales.  Score!  Incase you didn't know, I am a girly girl that is slightly addicted to shopping :)

After an amazing Italian dinner Sunday night, we took one last stroll down the boardwalk and said our final goodbyes to beach.. for 2013 that is.

Thanks again for an awesome weekend, mom.  Love you!  XOXO