First and foremost - before I even start this post - let me say that this post is based solely off of my personal experiences and opinions/beliefs. I am not knocking anyone else's opinions or preferences or saying theirs are wrong. To each their own. Also, I am not complaining.. just getting my feelings out there in the open. With that being said, here we go.
If you read my birth story and one month recap, you know that I am breastfeeding exclusively pumping for two reasons. One - I didn't produce anything for the entire first week after I gave birth. Two - Hudson could care less about latching. After pumping literally every two hours for about a week, the girls finally decided to do their job. Too little, too late.
Hudson is 7.5 weeks old. For the past 6.5 weeks I have been pumping around the clock. I started out with eight sessions a day. I would get about 3 total ounces at each of those sessions. Talk about a let down. Then I cut it back to six times a day - 15 minuets each session - producing 4 to 5 ounces total. What does this mean? Matt fed Hudson at every feeding while I sat and watched from the couch.. hooked up to the milk machine. Talk about sucky on my part.
Currently, I pump on average four times a day for approximately fifteen minutes each time. I get between 7 to 9 ounces total at each session. Not bad, but not great. Hudson's bottles are half breast milk and half formula, which allows me to freeze some so he can continue to get small amounts of breast milk for a longer period of time. I hope.
So.. how do I really feel about all of this? Honestly, downright crappy and tired of it. I am ready to cut my sessions back to two to three per day and be completely done by the day I go back to work full time in a few weeks. If you would have asked me three years ago if I planned on breastfeeding, I would have said no. I had no desire. But, I changed my mind when I got pregnant with Hudson. Sure, I'll give it a try.. breast is best right? *Is it really? I was formula fed and I like to think I turned out just the same as any breastfed kid.* And I have tried with all that I have.
Have your ever seen those ads for the hands free pumping bra devices? The pretty lady is wearing career clothing and typing on her computer with her glasses in one hand and a big, seductive smile on her face. I call bullshit. Who in the hell is that happy while having two suction cups squeezing the shit out of their ta tas? And I'm pretty sure no man finds that seductive look attractive while you are hooked up to that machine. No one that I know! Every time I hook myself up to that damn pump, I feel like a freaking cow being milked by one of those cow-milking machines. Sexy, right? And the sound it makes. Totally a turn on. It is not enjoyable. In fact, I feel like I am missing out. While I do get to do one or two feedings a day, I get to watch the rest from afar while I feel like my insides are going to be sucked out by those funnel cups! (Don't know what I'm talking about? Google photos of pump parts. It'll make you want to buy your own and hook those babies up as much as you can! I'm still trying to get Matt to try it!)
I feel like I have spent the last 7.5 weeks stressing over pumping and my milk supply. Should I pump more? Should I drink gatorade? Should I chug a gallon of water right before I pump? Would it help if I extend the time of my sessions. Should I take more than the recommended amount of Fenugreek per day? Speaking of Fenugreek. Anyone ever take that? Or smell it? It smells like maple syrup. Like too much maple syrup doused over a single pancake. To the point where my urine smells like maple syrup. But hey, it increases supply, right? I literally get mad at myself if I don't get at least 7 ounces in a session. It's a let down.
I want what is best for my son. But is pumping while he sits in his swing and cries for me what is really best for him? Not so sure about that one. Right now, it is so much more frustrating than anything. Yet I still obsess with making enough to supply his current bottles AND add to my freezer stash. It's like a sick freaking disease!
Oh.. then to top it all off.. yesterday I dropped an entire 5 ounce bag of breast milk all over my kitchen counter, cabinets and floor. Whoever created the phrase, "No use crying over spilled milk" obviously never had breast feeding issues and spilled 5 ounces all over their floor. I'm telling you, in my situation (and many others, I'm sure), that stuff is like pure liquid gold. You savor every tenth of an ounce that you can. Five freaking ounces down the drain. Almost 15 minutes of my life wasted! AHHHHHH!
On top of all of this, let's add in the pain I have. And the cracking. And the soreness. It just plain sucks. My boobs hurt 99% of the time. I have used Lanolin creams. I have even been using this prescription cocktail ointment that my doctor called in. You remember, the one that I had to drive thirty minutes one way to pick up because only one pharmacy will make it. That hasn't helped either. I have tried every remedy recommended to me. I only turn my pump on half strength. It.doesn't.matter.
Is it all worth it? It is if it helps Hudson. If it is in fact what is best for him. While I do see the benefits, I also think me being able to console him when he's upset and I am home alone is a bigger benefit. Will I try again if we have additional children in the future? I will try to breastfeed. If things start out the same way, then formula it will be. I don't care what other people think. I see the looks I get when I prepare a formula bottle for my son in public. It's very easy to judge (all around.. with everything) when you've never been on the other side of the fence. You know, sort of like infertility as a whole. But we will save that for another post. You know what's great about bottle feeding? My son is on a schedule. He has a breakfast bottle, a lunch bottle, dinner bottle, bedtime bottle, and ONE middle of the night bottle. He naps in between breakfast and lunch and a little between lunch and dinner. He goes on average five hours between feedings. Give or take a half hour. I know exactly how much food he gets each time - between 5 and 6 ounces per feeing right now. I know he is getting enough. I know he is satisfied. And he is growing like crazy! And he's healthy!
And to those who swear that nursing just "drops the baby weight off of you".. I call bullshit again! I'm still sitting here almost 8 weeks later with 25 more pounds and a big old belly to lose! I could care less, but just sayin'.
I know this post is long, so I will end my rant now. Sorry. Just had to get it off of my chest! Oh, and I think I am about to get my first post-partum period. Jumping for joy over here. Maybe that is why I'm currently so bi*chy over this subject! (Because ya know, you don't get a period when you are breast feeding or pumping.. they SAY.) Every kid has the same chances in life whether they are breastfed or formula fed. Every mom and family knows what is best for them and no one should be quick to judge. I am tired of feeling like a cow, but I am still going to push on for a few more weeks for my son's benefit.
Happy Shark Week Everyone! I hope you all get your fill of JAWS this week! And don't take a leisurely swim in those uncharted waters. Do do. Do do. That's my JAWS music.
