Week 24

This week is such a big milestone - viability week!

How far along: 24 weeks (as of 3.08.14)

Gender: It's a BOY!

Baby is: The size of a cantaloupe.. about 11.8 inches long and about 1 pound.

Weight gain: 11 pounds as of my last OB appointment.

Maternity clothes: You betcha.. and thanks to my sister-in-law, I now have a gigantic maternity wardrobe!

Stretch marks: Nadda.

Belly button in or out: In.

Sleep: Restless, but getting a few hours at a time.  Nothing to complain about.  

Best moment this week: Putting the nursery together!  We were able to put the dressers and crib to place this week and we hung most of his stuff on the walls.  I have a few organizational things ordered and the room will be 98% complete once those come in.  It was so surreal being able to get things ready for him.

Movement: He is an active little boy!  We did have a scare this week when he decided to be extra tired on Wednesday.  By 1:00 pm I hadn't felt any movement - which is totally not normal.  I called my OB and they had me eat a big candy bar.  About thirty minutes later, I felt a few little movements.  The boy likes chocolate and sugar.  They had me monitor him for 24 hours, and by Thursday morning, he seemed to be back to his old moving-self.

Cravings: Popcorn, ice cream, buffalo chicken dip

Queasy or sick: Feeling good!  

Looking forward to: So many exciting things in the next month or so!  Maternity photos, our elective ultrasound, organizing his dressers (yes, I love to organize), re-doing the little guy's bathroom, and a party or two.

Paranoia 101

When we started IVF I was ignorant.  I was convinced our first cycle would work, we would have our miracle baby 9 months later, and all would be well with the world.  If you have followed my blog long enough, you know that our first cycle did work.  And then we miscarried at seven weeks.  One D&C later we moved on to our second cycle, which was a frozen embryo transfer.  It was a complete failure.  We moved on yet again to our third cycle - a second frozen embryo transfer with additional medications - in October.  I am currently in my 24th week of pregnancy as a result of that cycle.

Needless to say, with each failure or issue, my confidence decreased more and more.  It felt like I was being kicked while I was down.  I couldn't conceive a baby naturally, and science wasn't doing the job either.  I was no longer convinced that anything would work.  Instead, I feared (and still do) the worst.  Every time our RE told me something looked great or levels were good, I questioned him.  They looked good/great the last time, too.  And we see how that ended.  I'm not going to lie, I was a real Debbie Downer for a few months.  Do you blame me?

When we got that call after our first beta test for our third cycle, I immediately told Matt that we weren't getting excited yet.  Yes, our number was strong, but we knew all too well what could happen.  Forty-eight hours later we had our second beta.  The numbers increased, but didn't double.  Immediately I freaked out and resorted to Dr. Google.  Bad, bad idea.  I ended up calling the clinic and talking to my nurse about the numbers.  She assured me that everything looked great.  There's that word again.  We had a third beta three days later.  The numbers doubled this time.  I should have been ecstatic this time, right?  I wasn't.  I was happy.  I was excited.  I was still scared.  Our first ultrasound was a week and a half way.  Ten days of thoughts all over the place.  That day finally arrived.  Our first ultrasound was great.  I'm telling you, they use this word way too much.  We were to return one week later for our second ultrasound at 7 weeks 4 days.  That day came.  Again, our ultrasound showed a growing baby with a strong heartbeat.  Yet, I was still reluctant to get excited.  We didn't tell a single soul other than our immediate family and MAYBE five close friends.  One more ultrasound scheduled at Shady Grove for the following week.  This was the ultrasound that revealed the lack of heartbeat during our first pregnancy.  Needless to say, I was a mess that week.  Our 8 week ultrasound arrived.  I was literally shaking the entire time we were there.  That ultrasound showed more growth, a healthy baby, and a strong heartbeat.  We graduated from Shady Grove.  It was time to celebrate, right?

Wrong.  I was still paranoid.  We were only eight weeks along.  That meant five weeks remaining in the first trimester.  The supposed "safe zone".  Our little guy was still a secret.  Those weeks came and went.  I pretty much demanded a ten week ultrasound at my OB.  They gave it to me and again, all looked well.  Twelve weeks rolled around the week of Christmas.  We decided to share our news with the rest of our family and world on Christmas Day.  Three days short of the second trimester.  Again, I was hesitant, but we felt it was a great day to share.  As I chose the picture to share and typed the words.. I shook.  Was this the right time?  I was paranoid that something bad would happen as soon as we shared the news.  We made it to thirteen weeks.  My OB appointment went "great".  I scheduled my 16 week appointment and our 20 week anatomy scan with Maternal Fetal Medicine.  My week 16 appointment came and went.  Strong heart beat and measuring on target.  Next, the day arrived for my twenty week anatomy scan.  Again, I was a ball of nerves.  Was he growing normally?  Was he healthy?  I had yet to feel him move.. was something wrong?  We were the first appointment of the day.  An hour later (and a few jumping jacks and toe touches) we were told that we had a healthy, growing, baby boy as well as anterior placenta which prevented me from feeling his tiny movements - for another week or so.

Do I post our gender reveal?  Do I post an ultrasound picture?  Paranoia creeping in.  Convinced something bad is going to happen if I try to celebrate the good.  I posted.  This may be the only time I get to experience pregnancy and these milestones.  Why not share them?  (Backtrack a little bit.. I refused to take a belly picture until 12 weeks because I was afraid we would lose him if we started any earlier.)  

I had refused to buy anything baby related until our twenty week scan.  That weekend we ordered furniture and bedding.  I literally had an anxiety attack while clicking the "submit" button to order both.  What if I ordered this stuff and something went terribly wrong?  Paranoia.  We also registered after this appointment.  I really enjoyed going through the stores and picking out things, and Matt thoroughly enjoyed using the scanner to scan every little thing.  However, in the back of my mind, all I could think about was the what if.  What if something bad happens?  There it is.  Paranoia creeping in again.  Over the last couple of weeks, things have been arriving at the house.  Furniture.  Bedding.  A diaper bag.  A bath tub.  A few articles of clothing.  Should I wash it?  What do I do with it all if something goes wrong?  Yes.  I am 100% paranoid.  

I still have our last full Sharps container sitting out on the kitchen counter.  I can't bring myself to get rid of it.  Or even put it away.  All of the used vials from our last cycle are sitting beside it.  I can't get rid of those, either.  All of my left over medications and syringes are currently stored in a bin, on a shelf, in the nursery closet.  Maybe I will get rid of them someday.  Maybe.  I have a chalkboard hanging on the wall in the entryway to our kitchen.  My plan was to use this for a weekly countdown.  I'd start it at twelve weeks.  Ok, after my sixteen week appointment.  Make that the twenty week scan.  Twenty-four weeks?  It is still a clean, blank, black chalkboard.  I don't want to jinx anything.

Today I posted a #tbt (throw back Thursday) photo on Instagram.  It included a picture of the embryos we transferred on October 10th.  One of these perfect embroys is our sweet Hudson.  This is the first time anyone has seen this picture.  I have been too paranoid to share it with anyone.  I shared the photos of our embryos during the first two cycles.  They both ended negatively.  I, of course, linked that negativity to the posting of the photo and am STILL paranoid that something bad is going to happen because I posted that photo.  Call me crazy.  I probably am.  I blame infertility for these thoughts constantly lingering in the back of my mind.  Maybe that is the wrong thing to do.  Maybe it isn't.  I just know I was never this paranoid before my journey through infertility.

Throughout this pregnancy, I have had multiple friends and family members lose their babies way too early for one reason or another.  It just brings the fear right back to the surface for me.  Is that going to happen to us?  My heart breaks every time I see something bad happen to a baby and those who are close to me.  It breaks every time one of my infertility community friends suffers from yet another failed cycle.  It makes me hesitant to celebrate.

I am trying to get better.  I am trying to enjoy pregnancy.  Don't get me wrong, I have nothing to complain about.  I had no legit morning sickness.  If I got queasy, I immediately ate something and I was fine.  I do not feel big and overly uncomfortable.  I am also only 24 weeks along, so I have a lot of time left to get to that point.  But deep down, I feel like I cannot enjoy this pregnancy like a normal person who has no idea what it's like to lose something so precious.  Someone who has no idea how difficult it is for some to get pregnant - if they are even able to get pregnant with assistance.  I will always worry.  I will always be paranoid that something bad is going to happen.

For instance, yesterday.  I began feeling Hudson kick/punch/move regularly around twenty one weeks.  He seems to have adopted a schedule.  I feel him early in the morning, while I am sitting at my desk, and a little in the evening after I am moving around at lacrosse practice.  Yesterday, I felt nothing other than one little kick when I woke up.  It didn't seem normal to me.  I also felt off.  I can't explain it.  My feet, legs (these daily), hands and face were swollen.  Was something wrong?  Should I call my OB?  Will they think I am over-reacting?  At that point, I didn't care.  I needed to know my baby was ok.  I called.  They told me to eat a large candy bar and see if that jump started our little guy.  Low and behold, about twenty minutes after devouring the candy bar I felt a few movements.  I felt a few more after school.  I even felt some at practice.  All he needed was a little sugar.  A boy after my own heart.  But again, you can see my paranoia.  Some days I just need that reassurance that is he ok.

I pray every day.  I read two different devotionals daily.  I know that God is in control and that I should not have these thoughts.  But I cannot help it.  I am just too scared to lose our little boy.  I know this will all work out according to God's plan.  I just pray that his plan includes a healthy and happy little Hudson for us!

With that, I will leave you with the #tbt picture I posted today.  A picture of our embryos from this transfer, a picture of Hudson from our 20 week anatomy scan, and a current picture of my ever growing belly that I am beyond thankful to have.

Week 23

How far along: 23 weeks (as of 3.01.14)

Gender: It's a BOY!

Baby is: The size of a grapefruit.. about 11.8 inches long and about 20.8 ounces.

Weight gain: 11 pounds as of my last OB appointment.

Maternity clothes: All day, every day.

Stretch marks: Not yet, but my veins are starting to become very noticeable. 

Belly button in or out: In.

Sleep: Falling asleep as soon as my head hits the pillow, but waking up mid-way through the night and finding that I am unable to fall back asleep easily.  After a few games on my phone, I do eventually fall back asleep and wake up around 5:30 for the day.

Best moment this week: The rest of baby boy's furniture was delivered, so we can put the nursery together!  The temps started to warm up a bit at the end of this week, too.  43 degrees.. heat wave, baby!  AND.. we welcomed another baby into the family this week.  My sister-in-law give birth to a beautiful baby girl Friday morning.  She was welcomed by two older brothers and one older sister.  She is absolutely beautiful!

Movement: Feeling it more and more and loving every single kick, punch, and flip flop I feel!  I seriously wish I could feel this all of the time!  I think I may have felt some hiccups one day this week, but I am not 100% positive.

Cravings: Anything not healthy.. greasy, fatty, fried.. yep.  That's what I want.  BUT, I'm also wanting oranges, too.

Queasy or sick: Feeling good!  I want to eat constantly.. and I do.

Looking forward to: My next OB appointment, scheduling our 28-30 week elective 3D/4D ultrasound, and our maternity photo shoot.  Oh, and Spring!  I so hope that these somewhat warmer temps are here to stick around!

Lacrosse season officially started this week!  We started our first day with 2 inches of fresh snow and a two hour delay.  That resulted in a few night indoor gym practices rather than freezing our booties off in the 20 degree temps.  However, by Friday, the temps had soared to 40 degrees and we were able to spend some time outside on our snowy field.  Hopefully the little bit of running we did to "break up" the snow helped it to melt over the weekend.  I really am looking forward to this season.  I started coaching lacrosse (used to coach field hockey) four years ago, so this year's seniors were my first year freshmen.  It has been awesome watching them learn and grow, and even sign official letters of intent to play in college!  

Week 22

Yes, I am still squeezing into a size Small t-shirt for the event I chaperoned Friday night!  It has since been retired!

How far along: 22 weeks (as of 2.22.14)

Gender: It's a BOY!

Baby is: The size of a papaya.. about 11.5 inches long and about 20 ounces.

Weight gain: 11 pounds as of my last OB appointment.

Maternity clothes: You betcha!  I am loving anything that stretches.

Stretch marks: Not yet.  

Belly button in or out: In.. looking like a black hole. (TMI.. sorry)

Sleep: Sleep was horrible this week, but it's not due to the pregnancy.  I've been fighting a sinus infection most of this week and breathing through my nose at night is the worst.

Best moment this week: Being able to feel my baby boy more and more.  His "awake" schedule has been pretty consistent this week and I love it.  We also got our confirmation for the labor/baby classes we signed up for, and our glider came in this week.

Movement: Feeling it more and more and loving every single kick, punch, and flip flop I feel!  I seriously wish I could feel this all of the time!  Matt was able to feel him for the first time this week and it was awesome.

Cravings: Anything spicy, chocolate, and ranch pretzels.  Good thing I live in the snack capital of the state!

Queasy or sick: Feeling good!  I want to eat constantly.. and I do.

Looking forward to: We finally got the confirmation that his dressers are being delivered, so I am looking forward to getting all of his furniture put into place.  I am also looking forward to the birth of our second niece this week!  She is scheduled to arrive this Friday and we are planning to meet her on Saturday.

If you know anything about Penn State, you know that every year they have a 46 hour event referred to as THON, where the students are on their feet for 46 straight hours raising money for childhood cancer patients.  They "can" for money at intersections and businesses every weekend throughout the fall season and fundraise in other various ways to raise as much money as they can for the Four Diamonds Fund.  My school holds a Mini-THON every year where our students fundraise and then stay on their feet for ten straight hours.. 8 pm - 6 am.  I love chaperoning this event every year.. it is great to see the kids working so hard for such a great cause!  Our Mini-THON was held this past Friday night.. the kids have so many activities to choose from to stay on their feet.  There is dancing, dodgeball, volleyball, a bouncy house/obstacle course, tye-dye shirts, food eating contests, Wii, Xbox, board games, etc.  Here are a few pictures from the evening.  They raised just over $29,000 (233 kids) for the Four Diamonds Fund!

I have also been fighting a lovely sinus infection all week.. and it is showing no signs of leaving any time soon.  The infection also decided a nice dose of pink eye in both eyes was appropriate as well.  So, I spent Saturday night at Express Care getting some meds for the pink eye (they wouldn't give me anything for the sinus infection because I didn't have a fever) and then just sleeping and laying around.  Let's hope this passes sooner than later since my busy time starts this week!  Luckily, I had these two cuddle buddies to hang out with while my awesome husband cleaned the entire house, did five loads of laundry, and got me food!

Week 21

Week 21 was an exciting one!  We got a few things accomplished with the nursery, had my 21 week appointment (I'm a week behind), got tons of clothes for little Hudson, and got ourselves a new, "big kid" bed!

How far along: 21 weeks (as of 2.15.14)

Gender: It's a BOY!

Baby is: The size of a pomegranate.. about 10.5 inches long and 12.2 ounces.

Weight gain: 11 pounds as of this week's OB appointment.

Maternity clothes: Yes, yes and yes.  I can still wear some of my own shirts, but they are starting to be way too uncomfortable.  Lacrosse starts next week (outdoor!) and very few of my hooded sweatshirts fit normally.. so it looks like Matt is going to have to start sharing!

Stretch marks: Not yet.  Applying Palmer's cocoa butter and lotion daily.

Belly button in or out: In.. and weird.

Sleep: I could sleep 24/7, but I don't.  I do still fall asleep immediately, but my sleep is now broken.  I wake up multiple times a night and usually right before my alarm goes off.  Still feeling good, though.

Best moment this week: Feeling more movement and getting the crib and many other goodies in the mail.  His crib is in and put together, his cute little bath tub came in (www.bloomingbath.com--seriously so cute), along with a few other goodies like his nursing pillow, car seat cover, etc.

Movement: Movement is becoming more and more frequent.  We learned his position at my appointment this week, so I now have a better idea of what I am feeling.  Our doctor for this appointment (we are at a practice, so I generally see a different one each time since we don't know who will be on call when I deliver) had a hand-held ultrasound machine, so we got to see him squirming around.  He actually kept kicking the probe which was pretty neat to see.  I definitely feel him the most when I am sitting at my desk after lunch.  Food gets him all wound up!

Cravings: The spicier, the better.  And hot dogs smothered in cheese and onions.  I seriously cannot get enough of these two things.  Gross!

Queasy or sick: Feeling good!  I want to eat constantly.. and I pretty much do.

Looking forward to: Putting things together.  His dressers are supposed to be delivered at the end of this week or the beginning of next.  At that point, I can start organizing clothes, diapers, etc. and hang things on the walls.  I have my vision in my head, I just need to make it complete!  Lacrosse will officially start next week, so time will be limited!  I am also looking forward to spring weather at this point.  With outdoor practices and games rapidly approaching (like a game in less than 2 weeks!), I'd rather not have to stand outside in the frigidness for 3+ hours an afternoon/evening!

Matt wanted to test out the crib, so he put Rooney in to see how he fit!  *Disclaimer - Rooney did not or cannot jump in or out of the crib himself.  Matt lifted him both in and out!*

This week we decided that the queen bed was just not working for us.  Between the two of us, Sophie at 95 pounds, and Rooney at 85 pounds, the space was just not working.  I know, I know.  Kick the dogs out of the bed.  That may seem easy for some of you, but their lives are about to get turned upside down and I want this part to remain constant for them.  So, we broke down and bought a king size bed and matching bedroom suit - which we did not have before!  I didn't want to spend a ton of money since we have a bunch of baby expenses coming up real quick (not to mention everything that got us this far)!  So, I found a set I liked on Ikea's website.  We made a trip down there last weekend to see it in person.  We liked it just as much in person, so we made the purchase - along with a few other things.  You seriously cannot leave that store without buying something extra!  I love that Ikea offers quality products at an inexpensive price.  What I don't love is that you have to put everything together yourself!  While it was easy, it was very time consuming.  We literally spent 15 hours last weekend putting this stuff together.  And then came the task of finding a mattress that we both liked.  We knew we wanted memory foam of some sort, but not Tempur pedic.  Those things are like sleeping on an oven and cost and arm and a leg.  We went with a cheaper version of the same thing.  Of course it was not in stock and we already had the bed together.  So, we made another trip to Maryland to pick up the mattress and box springs from the warehouse.  Well worth it in the end!  I am very pleased with how everything turned out and we have so much more space in bed with the pups.  Here are some shots of a couple of the pieces of furniture.

And last but not least, this picture is pure awesomeness!  My sister-in-law has 3 (almost 4!) kiddos.  The two oldest are boys.  She literally gave us every item of boy clothing she has from newborn to 4T.  While the early stuff was a little difficult (different seasons), once we hit 24mo/2T, we had a gold mine!  We are so lucky to have all of this stuff put away for the future.  Thank you, Alison!

Week 20

I feel like I should be jamming to Bon Jovi right now!  Wooooo we're half way there, ohhhh Livin' on a prayer!  Wow.. so surreal to have made it this far.  The half way point!

How far along: 20 weeks (as of 2.8.14)

Gender: It's a BOY!

Baby is: The size of a banana.. about 6.5 inches long and 10.6 ounces.

Weight gain: 6 pounds as of my last OB appointment.

Maternity clothes: I broke down and ordered maternity pants this week.  The belly band is just not working for all day work pants anymore!  I can still fit into some of my shirts, but not too many comfortably.

Stretch marks: Not yet.  Using that cocoa butter oil from Kristin daily!

Belly button in or out: In

Sleep: I still fall asleep as soon as I lay down, but it is now broken sleep.  I wake up a few times each night, but am able to fall back asleep within a half an hour.  Hopefully the new bed and mattress (King size, baby!) we bought this week will help!

Best moment this week: Ordering everything for our little guy's nursery.  We ordered his crib, dresser, chest of drawers and glider/ottoman along with his bedding.. which came in (embroidered and all) within three days.  Props to Pottery Barn Kids.  I also ordered his awesome bath tub from Blooming Bath (check it out.. so stinking cute), a diaper bag, and we have pretty much finalized our registries.  I am having so much fun preparing for him.  I know we still have 20 weeks to go, but lacrosse season starts in two short weeks (despite having two feet of snow on the ground) and once that starts, my time will be very limited with practices and games six days a week.  The season will go until at least mid-May (most likely the end of May) and that will leave little time at the end.. so we are trying to do as much now as possible. Our next step is to paint his bathroom the same color as his bedroom.

Movement: This is by far the best best best part of this week!  Friday morning, I was sitting on the couch writing one of my blog posts and I feel a legit kick or punch from Mr. H!  I immediately put my hand in the area and was able to feel a few small movements from the outside.  Poor Matt.  Every time I had him put his hand on my stomach to feel, the little guy would stop.  Hopefully he can feel something soon!  I have found over the last couple of days that if I sit down after I eat, he is one active little man.

Cravings: The spicier, the better.  And hot dogs smothered in cheese.. wtf?

Queasy or sick: Feeling good!  I want to eat constantly.

Looking forward to: The nursery furniture coming in this week and being able to start putting things together!  I also have my 20/21 week appointment this week.  Also looking forward to feeling more movement as time progresses.  Can I look forward to some sign of Spring as well?

Infertility.

A reader of my blog requested (a while back) that I do a post on the emotional part of infertility and how I managed to get through it.  I haven't had the time to compile this post (it isn't an easy one to write), but thanks to our recent snowmageddon, I've had some extra time.  This post is full of raw emotion and pure honesty, and will probably seem all over the place.  I was hesitant to post some of it at first, but this is my blog and these types of posts are my way of getting my feelings out and working through them.

First, I don't feel as though I have "beat" infertility.  Yes, we are currently pregnant.  But in my mind, I see it more as getting over one speed bump.. I guess.  Winning one inning, or one game out of a full season.  I will always be infertile.  We will always be a couple that has to fight this unfair battle.  The minute our little boy comes into this world, we will immediately go back to being infertile.  I have not beat it.  It will always be a part of me.  After many months of struggling, I have learned to accept that.  However, I have also decided that I will not let it define me.

Our journey has not been an easy one.  If you have been an avid follower, you know our story from start to the present.  If you are a newbie, here is a quick re-cap.  We were told IVF was our only option from the beginning.  While this totally sucks, I was also glad that we were able to just bring out the big guns from the start and not have to suffer through multiple failed IUI attempts.  Our first fresh cycle (last spring) resulted in a singleton pregnancy.  At our 8 week ultrasound, we learned that the baby no longer had a heart beat.  I had a D&C the following day.  Our second cycle (a frozen cycle) took place over the summer.  We transferred two perfect embryos.  The cycle was a complete failure.  Our third cycle took place in September/October.  We transferred another two perfect embryos, and this cycle resulted in a singleton pregnancy.  We are currently about to hit our half way mark with this pregnancy and are beyond thankful and grateful.

These cycles were all filled with both physical and emotional pain.  

On the physical side, I was terrified of needles walking into this.  At this point, you can stab me with a 2 inch long syringe and I'm not going to flinch.  However, the blood work still gets me.  Apparently I can't see my own blood.  My body was covered in bruises.  I still have two numb spots above my butt from the PIO shots.  I have no idea if I will ever regain feeling in this area, but I don't care.  The veins in my elbows have so much scar tissue that they need to "pop" through the tissue to get to my actual vein.  The sting from the Lovenox (blood thinner) shots was intense every single night.  The bloat and pain from OHSS was not an easy feat, either.  It's more uncomfortable than anything, but it isn't a walk in the park.  

The physical pain is nothing compared the emotional side/pain of infertility.

Infertility just plain hurts.  No way of hiding that fact.  You feel that everyone around you is pregnant.  And they got pregnant at the drop of a hat the first month they tried.  You feel like a failure as a woman because you can't do the one thing you are put on this earth to do.  You feel like you are wasting your time and money.. and a lot of both.  You feel like you are never going to get past it.  You feel like it is never going to end.  And the struggle really never does end.

The original question was, how did I work through this?  

At first I kept it all in.  I hid the fact that we were dealing with infertility and going through IVF from everyone except family and very close friends.  I was a closed book.  I quickly learned that this was not the way to go.  Keeping things in is not healthy.  I made my blog public.  I slowly shared with people who asked the never ending question, "When are you going to have kids?".  I connected with some amazing women online who were/are walking down the same path.  My support system grew day by day.  It was one of the best things I could have done.  Without these people (especially my online friends, who I may never meet in person) I would not be where I am today.  They gave (and still give) me the strength and courage to wake up every day and fight this battle.  We send cards and care packages to each other, and let me tell you, they will brighten any crappy day!

I cried.  I am not an emotional person.  I rarely cry.  I do not wear my heart on my sleeve.  But after the first few weeks of our first cycle, I cried.  Yes, the insane amounts of hormones I was injecting into my body daily may have had a slight impact on this.  But I still did it.  And it was a relief.  Matt would ask what was wrong.  I didn't have an answer.  I just needed to cry.  And I felt better after I did.

I got a journal.  Writing has been my saving grace.  I still write almost daily.  I have a journal where I just write what I am feeling.  I also have a journal that one of my friends, Chelsea, gave me to write letters to my future baby.  I write to him.  I have found that writing anything helps.  When I look back as some of my entries I laugh.  When I look at others I wonder what the heck I was thinking.  But one thing is for sure.  It helped me at the time and that is all that matters.

I read.  I read books about infertility.  My favorite (to date) is Every Drunken Teenager, Why Not Me?  It's got a mix of humor, faith, and raw emotion while one woman shares her path down the walk of infertility.  I have read this book three times since March.  I have read a few others as well.  I also read blogs.  It helps me to see the journey other women have been on and after awhile, their success stories helped me as well.  They gave me hope.  The hope I needed to make it through the day.  To this day, I still have about twenty blogs that I diligently follow.  I love keeping up with these girls.

I strengthened my faith.  I have always been a Christian.  I have always gone to church while growing up.  I have always prayed.  I just upped the ante on these things.  We found a local church to attend, and go as often as we can.  I changed the way I prayed.  I began reading daily devotionals.  I made myself remember (daily) that everything happens for a reason and it will all happen in God's time according to His plan.  I gave all of my fears and anxiety to God.  Now, I still have some of those feelings in the back of my mind, but I know that I cannot change how anything happens.  It will be how He wants it to be, and I have accepted that fact.

I accepted the fact that some people stay and some people do not.  Not everyone is going to care about your struggles.  Not everyone is going to acknowledge the hardships you are going through.  Even some family members.  At first, this really bothered me and I worked to keep these relationships.  Then I realized that not everyone is meant to stay in your life forever.  And I let them go.  Right or wrong, I stopped fighting for my relationship with them.  I had myself, my husband, and my future child/children to worry about.  And that is where I shifted all of my strength to.  I focused on us and our future and let the negativity (and the negative people) go.  It worked for me.

And now, I have slightly shifted my "fight" even more.  I am focusing on and fighting for my son.  My (our) world revolves around him.  We now make decisions based on him.  If we don't think something is in our best interest because of him, we are not going to do it.  Plain and simple.  He is my (and our) world.  And he deserves the world.  I don't know if I will ever have the opportunity to experience pregnancy again in the future, or have another child.  So 100% of my focus is on this pregnancy and my son.  Not everyone understands that and likes that fact, and quite honestly, I do not care.  In my opinion, you don't have room to judge someone and their decisions until you walk even a minute in their shoes.  Especially if you are one of those people I referred to in the previous paragraph.

Every story is different.  But, I can tell you that the battle is not easy.  It hurts both physically and emotionally.  Probably more than anything you've ever experienced.  But every second, every once of pain, every penny of those tens of thousands of dollars spent, and every emotion experienced will be 110% worth it in the end when you see that little heart beat on the screen for the first time.  And again when you see your child wiggling around on that same ultrasound screen.  And when you feel he or she kick you for the first time.  And I can only imagine the overwhelming joy and appreciation for the battle the first time you get to hold your sweet baby in your arms for the first time.  I know I am looking forward to it more than anything.