I have learned many things while traveling down this path of infertility. If you knew me before we were diagnosed with the big I word (sometimes I feel like I should have a giant "I" sewn on to every shirt that I own), you would know that patience was not exactly one of my best qualities.. which is odd given that I am a high school teacher. The key word in that sentence being WAS.
This journey has taught me the true meaning of patience. It really is a virtue and I am trying very hard to embrace it. Each and every part of it.
I have heard people say "we were just referred to an RE.. I hope we get some simple, immediate answers". While there are many things I want to say to them (and just as many eye rolls I'd like to give.. oh and a big laugh in their face), I think back to our first meeting with Dr. B. We had an extensive discussion about the test results we already had in our possession, we discussed two potential plans (both based on even more test results), and we talked possible outcomes. And then we waited. And my patience was tested. I had already waited one year. I did not want to wait any longer. Little did I know how much waiting IVF really entails.
As an "outsider", you may not understand this. You think, oh.. a month here. Two weeks there. Three days. A week. No big deal, right? Let me tell you.. it is a HUGE deal. Like tyrannosaurus rex huge. Especially to those of us who long to be moms and dads (and have for a very long time) and have to constantly see pregnant people and babies everywhere we go. And I mean EVERYWHERE.
So what exact waiting am I talking about? Allow me to share. (Please note, that these are the "waiting games" from my personal cycles. Everyone is different!)
1 - Initial consult, testing, and making a plan. Your OBGYN refers you to an RE (reproductive endocrinologist). You wait at least a week (probably more like a month) until the clinic can even get you in for a consult. Finally, consultation day has arrived! You are going to get answers! Or, so you think. You meet with the doctor in the fancy office. You talk about your medical history and the 47 page packet of papers you filled out prior to the appointment. You examine previous test results. You talk plans and outcomes. Then, he gives you a gigantic list of additional tests that you both need to have done. Oh, and you have to wait until your next period starts to get most of them done. This test needs done on CD3. This one on CD5. Then you need to have eleven tubes of blood drawn to make sure you don't have any infections diseases. Then you need to have more blood tests done to check your hormone levels. One comes back high. You start medication. You have to wait two weeks from that start date to have it re-tested. Your husband needs to have same said eleven blood tests as well as a semen analysis. BUT, you can't just drop that lovely cup off at the front desk. No, you need to have an appointment for that. And these clinics are a busy place when it comes to that stuff.. so you wait to get in for that appointment.
Now, what feels like 17 months has passed and your tests are complete. You must wait for that second consult with your RE (your new best friend) to discuss the results and the big plan. Luckily, some clinics (like ours) do phone consults if you don't live in the immediate area. You don't have to wait as long for these. Only a week or so. ONLY.
The results are in. Your only chance is IVF. Crap. You think, ok, we can do this. I will be pregnant in a month from now. BIG HUGE LAUGH HERE. Your wait has only just begun.
2 - You are ready to start your cycle. But wait! Aunt Flow has yet to show! (A little Dr. Seuss action here. Who knew you'd be getting an English lesson with this post!) Now you must wait for that little B-word to rear her ugly head. Finally, what seems like an eternity later, the light shines and music plays! She has arrived! Now, wait until day 3 to begin taking the birth control pill. Hold up. You are putting me on BC so I can get pregnant? Huh. Anyway.. now you take the pill for a full month, aka.. a full cycle. (And now realize that you will NOT pregnant within the month stated above.) That month just seems like a whole bunch of crappy waiting. But you do it and love it.
**During this month you get to go to all kinds of fun appointments! You get to have a mock transfer so the dr can make sure everything in there is peachy keen for the real transfer. You get to take an injection course so you get those needles in the right places.. only after you mix up the correct doses. And you get to admire all of the pregnant people around you!
Your month of BC has finally finished! Big celebration! Now, you get to start your injections! For me, there was not much waiting during this time. I responded incredibly well to my protocol and only needed the ten days of injections and one trigger shot. However, during this time I did have to wait every single day for the nurse to call with my doses for the night as a result of the morning blood and ultrasound monitoring appointments. That is NOTHING!
3 - It's time to retrieve some eggs! You arrive at the clinic. You wait in the waiting room. You get called back to the surgical prep area. You get an IV. Then you wait until it is your turn. You go in the OR. Your eggs are retrieved. You go to the recovery room. They do immediately tell you how many eggs were retrieved. Hooray! Then you go home and rest. And you wait for the clinic to call and tell you how many eggs fertilized. Then you wait to get the call about how many are progressing and when your transfer will be scheduled.
4 - It's transfer day! You go back to said clinic and wait in the same waiting room. You get called back to a different room. You view your beautiful little embryos on a screen.. and you have them transferred into your uterus. This process is really quite amazing. Then they send you home to spend 24 hours on bed rest with light activity for the next two weeks. Then the wait from hell beings.
5 - That hellish two week wait. Two weeks may not seem like a lot to you. But for us interfiles, that two weeks is more like a lifetime. An eternity. During this time you analyze every little nic and twinge you feel. You literally examine the toilet paper every single time you go to the bathroom. Which may be way more than normal because you are paranoid. (I am the paranoid type.) You get up every morning thinking to yourself (or out loud to your husband), is it too early to pee on a stick? Eventually, you convince yourself (and your sweet husband) that it is not. And you pee on said stick. You get a result. You are either happy or crushed. You decided to continue peeing on a stick four times a day every day from here on out until the end of your two week wait. During these two weeks, you also see more pregnancy announcements than you ever thought possible. You see pregnant people everywhere. You see babies. And you want to steal them.
6 - Your beta. The dreaded two week wait is over. The day of your beta blood test has arrived. You drive to the clinic. They take a tube of blood. Easy, peasy. And then you wait. And you wait. And you wait. Until sometime later that afternoon when the nurse finally calls you with your results. (Good or bad) If you are lucky, and those results are good, you will return to the clinic in 48 hours to repeat the beta test. And then you can repeat the above waiting schedule to see if your numbers rose at the appropriate pace. If you get good news this time, you wait yet another 48 hours and you get a third beta. Repeat waiting schedule. And in some cases, you get to do this a fourth time! You will probably chew off every single finger nail during this time. And nail polish. And whatever else you are in to. You will also be quite irritable.
7 - Ultrasound number 1. After your last beta, you generally wait a week until your first ultrasound. This is very exciting! However, if you are a seasoned IVF-er things start to run through your head. Is this an ectopic pregnancy? Are things normal? What is that twinge I feel? What is that on the toilet paper? I have this symptom. I don't have that one. Should I call the nurse? Will she think I am stupid? Oh well. I'm calling regardless. Finally, that day arrives. You drive to the clinic (about an hour one way for us). You wait in the waiting room for your turn. You get called back to the exam room. You sit on the table. You wait for the doctor to come in. Now your mind is in over-drive. Are things going to look good today? What if it is bad. What will we do. Finally, as you feel you are about to puke your guts out from nerves, the doctor opens that door. Here comes your friend, the ultrasound wand.. aka, dildo cam. Finally.. a picture on the screen. Things look great (again, this is my experience)! A sigh of relief. You talk to the doctor. He says return in one week to check the progress of the baby and ensure things are moving along normally.
8 - The return ultrasounds. This wasn't scary the first time around because I was naive. I thought things were perfect. Then the third ultrasound hit. And bam. No more heartbeat. I've done a blog post or two on this, so I'm not going to repeat that. However, you are now scarred for life. Every time you have to wait for "the next" ultrasound in future cycles you will worry if the same thing is going to happen. That one week waiting period between each one can be killer, I'm sure. The constant wonder and worry if this is going to be a repeat of the first cycle. Again, the waiting game.
9 - If something goes wrong. If your beta numbers do not rise. If your beta level is 0. If you miscarry or have to have a D&C. All entail waiting. Painful waiting. Waiting for your hCg level to return to 0. Waiting for your next period to arrive so you can begin again. Waiting to hear the results of the genetic testing on your embryo for the D&C. Waiting for your miscarriage to run its course. Very painful waiting.
After 9 examples, you get my point. I am sorry for rambling. I just feel it necessary to share the amount of waiting we go through and the fact that we need to be patient each and every day. And that we each do this with very little to no complaining (to the public, anyway). It is a part of our life. It is a part of who we are.
I feel that I am now a much more patient person. Maybe this was one of the many lessons God wanted me to learn from this journey. He wanted me to have more patience for my future child/children. If that is the case, I am thankful for traveling this journey. I am thankful that I now have a greater appreciation for the quality of patience. I am thankful that I will be more prepared for motherhood. I'm sure my future child/children will be thankful for this, too.
At this time, I am being patient. We are being patient. We are playing the waiting game. And we are embracing it, as scary as it may be. Prayers are greatly appreciated, as always.
