Infertility is scary.

Infertility is very, very scary.  And IVF is very, very, very scary.  Please note.. I am not downplaying any other treatment.  I am simply speaking about my own experiences.

Infertility is like traveling through the land of the unknown.  And the unknown is a frightening place.  What protocol will you be given?  How will your body respond?  What are you chances at success?  Will you retrieve any eggs?  Will your eggs and your hubby's swimmers get together the right way?  Will you have any viable embryos?  Will you transfer go as planned?  Will you end up pregnant?  If so, will it be a viable pregnancy?  Will you ever have a healthy baby of your own?  One that you can hold in your arms after nine successful months of pregnancy.

So many questions.  So many things to worry about.  So much unknown.  

I didn't worry so much with my first cycle.  I was pretty blind going through it all.  I knew what the doctors told us.  I knew our projected success rate.  I read the packets and books that we were given.  But, I never did any other research.  I didn't consult Dr. Google (which by the way, is a very bad thing to do).  I only knew one person that had gone through it.  And now, seven months later, I wish I could go back to those days.  In a way, I wish I was ignorant about it all.  Don't get me wrong, I like being informed and I have met so many amazing women in my shoes, but in this case.. being informed makes me worry a whole lot more.

Our first cycle ended during my eighth week of pregnancy.  We no longer had a heart beat.  The baby had stopped growing.  I had a D&C the following day.  I did A LOT of research.  I did a bad thing.  I consulted Dr. Google.  And as a result, I am now downright scared for our future cycles.  

During our second cycle my two week wait was nothing short of stressful.  It was summer.  I wasn't working.  I worried every single minute of every day during those long fourteen days.  My beta came back negative.  I was not pregnant.  In a way, I got off easy.  I no longer had to worry.  Or so I thought.  

Instead, every day since has been scary.  I have worried about something (even if it was only for a small second) each and every one of those days.  Will our next cycle work?  Is the protocol the correct one?  What does this number mean?  That number isn't the average.  How will my body respond to that medication?  If we make it to one ultrasound, will we make it to the next?  Will we ever make it past seven weeks?

But, I have also learned from this scariness.  I have learned that every person is different.  Every cycle is different.  You cannot compare yourself to someone else.  You cannot compare your cycles.  Each one is made specifically for YOU and the needs of your body and YOUR situation at the time.  You cannot compare symptoms.  Some drugs cause things that others do not.  You cannot sit in depression for weeks because someone you know who just started trying announced their pregnancy.  I have learned that worrying only makes you weak.  It doesn't help anything.  It simply takes away your happiness.  In a way, it ages you.  It puts a strain on everything in your life. 

I have learned to give it all to God.  He is the one who decides everything in your life anyway, right?  He had your entire life planned down to the millisecond before you were even born.  So why not put it all in His hands.  Don't get me wrong, this is something I knew before my infertility journey.  I just never realized how important it REALLY is to actually do this.  So this is what I have done.  I have given our infertility journey completely to God. I am letting our future up to Him.  I am letting Him decide if we will have a baby of our own to hold in our arms someday.  

And since I have made this decision, I have felt better.  I am more at peace.  I worry less.   (I still worry a little.  It is only natural.)  I still have moments, even days of sadness, but I am happy.  I enjoy the little things in life.  I make plans with family and friends.  I go out on dates with my husband.  I no longer sit and feel sorry for myself (and us) day in and day out.  I am excited about things.. including the upcoming Holidays.  It truly is the most wonderful time of the year.

This post may make no sense what-so-ever.  It could come across as a whole bunch of randomness jumbled together.  But I wanted to get these feelings out there.  Maybe it will help someone else.  Who knows!