Answers

The storm.  I had a few days this week, and last, where this is how I felt.  Gloomy might be the right word.  I seem to get into funks every couple of days where I am just plain irritable, moody, and probably miserable.  What brings these on, I have no idea.  I blame the hormones.  I re-started my Parladol pills (hormones supplements to regulate my Prolactin levels).  Since my body is no longer used to them, they have been causing daily headaches and nausea.  Hopefully these symptoms subside soon.

Monday was a beautiful beach day here in the Outer Banks.  I was laying back in my beach chair reading a good book when I heard my phone ring.  Of course I immediately thought it was the dog sitter and something had happened with our dogs.  I am a bit of a pessimist and I miss these two a whole freaking lot right now!  I might be slightly obsessed.  It wasn't the dog sitter (sigh of relief), but rather Dr. B calling to tell us he got the results back from the genetic testing after the D&C.  He had originally told us to not expect any definitive results because it was so early.  However, he actually had some specifics for us!  The results came back showing that our miscarriage was a result of Trisomy 15 - where there is a third 15th chromosome.  Babies born with this rarely live more than a few hours or days.  Most are stillborn if they are not miscarried within the first few weeks.  I see this as a blessing in disguise.  You may disagree, but I would much rather go through a miscarriage within the first few weeks pregnancy rather than deliver a stillborn months into the process.  Dr. B said my body knew something wasn't right and took care of it on its own.  

In a way, this lifted a huge weight off of my shoulders and made me feel a little better.  Yes, there is a slight chance of this happening again, but there is a much MUCH greater chance that it will not.  However, I now know that the miscarriage was not a result of something I did or did not do.  Does that make it any easier?  No, but it helps.  Sort of like the calm after the storm.

At this point, we play the waiting game again.  I am no longer spotting from the D&C, so I am just patiently awaiting the arrival of AF so we can being our FET (frozen embryo transfer).  When AF arrives, I will begin BC (birth control) again and shortly after more (different) injections with just a few ultrasounds to monitor how things are going.  Not near invasive as a fresh IVF cycle.

We are enjoying the second half of our OBX vacation.  Just what the doctor ordered.  Literally.  Last week we took a day trip to the island of Ocracoke where I indulged in my favorite fried pickles.  (Seriously, 2 hours of driving and a 1 hour ferry ride ONE WAY just to eat these.)

Let me just tell you.. if I could bring home a years supply of these magical, tasty treats, I would.  However, the soggy-ness would just not taste the same.  Sigh..

The weekend was beautiful.  Our weather has been next to perfect--HUGE difference from last year.  Sun, a few clouds, a nice breeze.. and my raft in the pool.  Ahhh

Saturday Matt and I celebrated our one year anniversary at the same place we got married. Wow how things have changed!  The boardwalk that was our aisle no longer exists.  The dune where we had our ceremony.. GONE.  The beach fence that was our backdrop.. GONE. The beach area for the guests.. covered in fence and new back grass.  The hose Matt used to wash the sand off of my dress (yes, that happened.).. GONE.  The backdrop for a lot of our photos?  GONE.  Thanks, hurricane Sandy.  You're a big ole a-hole!  The restaurant and reception room is still kicking and thriving!  We were able to enjoy dinner cooked by the same chef and were even given a complimentary bottle of champagne.  There was live music on the deck that night which made it even better.  A huge thank you to our AWESOME planner, Belinda (who we got to visit with.. yay!) and her amazing staff.  I would recommend them to anyone!

First, I have to credit the beautiful M. Brink for this dress. She posted a pic of her wearing it on IG a few weeks ago, and I had to order it since it was our wedding colors!

Who doesn't drink champagne on the beach.. straight out of the bottle?

Low tide this year.. go figure!

We have spent a lot of time on the beach this week.  We have also gotten ice cream every single night.  Who doesn't love a little bit lot of ice cream?  This week we also climbed the country's largest natural sand dune, Jockey's Ridge.  What a great workout!

And then ate a big fat pancake, bacon, and many other unhealthy things breakfast.  Oh well. It's vacation!

Yesterday we needed a beach break, so we took a little trip to the North Carolina Aquarium on Roanoke Island.  Very neat!

We have four more days to enjoy and the weather looks pretty freakin' awesome!  It has been a blessing just to get away from reality and enjoy a little family time and a lot of relaxation time.  But, I do miss my pups and cannot wait to see them!

I have also decided that it is time to do some house cleaning.. and I don't mean cleaning my house.  I am on Facebook and Twitter, and as most of you know, Instagram.  I CANNOT handle the constant negativity of some people!  Don't get me wrong, every single person is entitled to their bad days, even weeks.  But if you are going to be a negative person 110% of the time.. it is time to go.  I don't need to read that daily.  It is just plain annoying.  I actually had a college friend complain the other day that her daughter would not take a nap because she was so excited to spend time with her mom (she is a teacher, so is off for the summer now).  Really?  You are complaining because your daughter is excited to spend time with you?  I wanted to comment my thoughts right then and there, but I decided un-friending would be more appropriate.  So it is time to clean out the friends list on social networks.  Don't worry TTC ladies, you are all staying :)

Happy Hump Day everyone!

364 Days Ago

364 days ago I married my best friend at one of our favorite places to travel.  The weather wasn't perfect, but it fit our story and we could not have asked for a more perfect day!  We had eighty-five family members and friends make the 6+ hour trip (some traveled from as far as the west coast!) to share in our special day.  The staff - most importantly, the planner - was better than we ever thought possible.  And the food.. oh the food.  Some of North Carolina's best seafood, if I do say so myself.  If we had it to do all over again, we wouldn't change a thing.  Ok, well maybe we would calm the winds down a bit.. 35mph is a bit high.  Our guests heard nothing from the ceremony!  Any maybe change high tide from our wedding time so our guests wouldn't get wet legs and feet from a few "over-achieving" waves.  But overall, it was the best day ever!

For those of you who don't know how we met, here is a quick version!  I moved to Hanover for a job right after I graduated college.  I knew no one.  I became friends with some co-workers once school started and began to slowly meet other people through them.  One of those people just happened to be Matt.. who teaches at the middle school in our district.  (I am at the high school.)  Our first meeting did not go well.  Matt claims he said hi and I didn't respond.  I remember no such conversation and therefore think he is just making up stuff!  Anyway, for the first three or four years that I lived in Hanover we DESPISED each other.  We were not friends.  We did not talk when our friends hung out together.  We did not associate period.  In fact, our clergy joked with us during our ceremony last year that the weather represented the first few years of our knowing each other!

Then sometime in year four, we had three snowstorms that dumped at least two feet of snow each time.  During one of these storms I went to the bar with a friend.  Hey, snow days are days to celebrate!  Matt happened to be at the same bar with another friend.  The adult beverages were flowing that night and we ended up playing darts.  Classy, I know.  After that meeting, we began to talk a little here and there.  Then graduation day came.  A lot of my co-workers go out to celebrate the end of the school year after our graduation ceremony.  Let's just say the same beverages were flowing that night.  I apparently had an up close and personal conversation with Matt.  I plead the fifth.  Our kids and grandkids will be so proud of this story.

After that, Matt left for Italy for a few weeks.  We talked a little bit over Facebook, but nothing major.  School started up again and we began emailing each other daily.. and talking some at night.  In November (yes, almost a whole year later) we finally went out on our first date.  Two days later, I left for a girls cruise!  Our timing is perfect!  When I got back we continued to date.  On July 30th of that year (2011) we got engaged at Sandbridge Beach in VA.  (That is a funny story in itself - right, Alison?)  Almost 11 months later, we got married in Kill Devil Hills, (OBX) NC.  And if you have been following this blog, you know how the last year has gone!  Goods and bads, ups and downs.. but all more than worth it.  I would not have wanted to share these goods/bads, ups and downs with anyone but him.  Here's to one year and many more to come!

A few of my favorite pictures from our wedding last year.  Ok, more than a few.  Sorry!

Notice the red flag in the background.. no swimming!

The bangin' tilapia

Everyone was covered in Spiderman stickers by the end of the night

OBX Part 1

We are a few days into our much needed two week vacation in the Outer Banks, NC.  We travel here - over the same two weeks - every year with my family.  Of course, the people that make the trip change from year to year!  This year, we are spending our two weeks with my mom, my sister, and my sister's boyfriend.  

Sunday - We started our trip around 5:30 am.  After one stop for gas, we arrived in Duck around noon.  We did our usual check-in-day activities.  Lunch at the Duck Deli, trip to the grocery store, check in with the realtor, and pack to the house to unload and unpack everything.  Eventually we head back in to town for some Pizzazz Pizza.. which just happens to be my favorite.  And I only get it twice a year.  Grr.

Home for the next two weeks.

View from our house

Monday - Every day in Duck begins with a morning walk on the Duck Trail.  I don't know what it is about this trail (which is simply a walking/biking path on the side of the one road that winds through the northern portion of the island), but it is, in a sense, calming.  After our daily walk, we ventured down to the beach.  The temps were in the low 80s today and it was partly cloudy.  Pretty great beach morning!  Around lunch time the clouds begin to multiply, so we decided to do a little exploring and shopping.  We traveled to Manteo and walked through the cute, little town.  This was followed by a little outlet shopping (one of my HUGE weaknesses), and finally dinner at Hurricane Mo's and our almost daily trip for ice cream.

Manteo "lighthouse"

My mom, sister and I.  And no, we did not plan the green theme.

fruity beach drinks..

Monday morning sunrise

Tuesday - Daily walk followed by some relaxing time on the couch.  The weather was very cloudy and humid, but began to clear up around noon.  We spent the afternoon on the beach, and Matt cooked one of his awesome chicken dinners!  There is also something I love about eating dinner on a screened-in porch at the beach.  After dinner we went back to the beach so my sister's boyfriend could fish for sharks!  He took everything he caught during the day and turned it in to bait.  The waves were a bit rough, so he didn't have much success.  Hopefully next time!

Wednesday - Today was what you call a perfect beach day.  Beautiful sunrise and calming walk on the Duck Trail, breakfast, and then a perfect morning on the beach.  Not a cloud in the sky and very little humidity.  Late morning temps were in the high 80s.  Ocean water is a little chilly, but refreshing while walking on the beach, or simply sitting in a beach chair reading a good book.  The afternoon got a bit "toasty".  My phone currently reads 93 degrees.  This was the perfect opportunity for me to take my beloved pool raft and venture to the pool.  Not a single soul there.  Lucky me!  I got to spend my afternoon floating around the pool on my raft all by myself.  Don't get me wrong, I love spending time with my husband and my family, but after the last week's events, some alone time was what the doctor called for.  This was the perfect opportunity for me to have some quiet time to just relax and reflect and pray.  I was able to think about all we have gone through as well as what lies ahead.  It is a lot to take in and process, but that isn't stopping me (or us) from moving forward and continuing our quest.  I am still sad.  I still have bad days (probably more than not right now).  But the future is what keeps me going.  Tonight we are going to cook seafood in our own kitchen, and eat on the deck.  We will probably follow that up with an ice cream trip and some more fishing.

I love to read on the beach.  Over the last three days I read "Every Drunken Cheerleader.. Why Not Me?"  Wow.. exactly what I needed right now.  The author tells it like it is.  She shares her story and her experiences with infertility and specifically her IVF cycles.  I was amazed at how much I can relate.  If you haven't read this book (even if you have NO experiences with IF) I suggest that you do.  It will open your eyes to what we, as well as thousands of other couples, are dealing with.  I'm not asking for pity or sympathy, I'm just saying it will help you understand some things.  Seriously.. it a short, easy read.

Again, I want to thank you all for the emails, cards, text messages, Facebook messages, comments, etc. over the last week.  They all mean so much.  I know I have not responded to any of them.. and for that I apologize.  I haven't found the words to say yet, but I am working on it, and I promise that I will respond to each and every one of them.  This hasn't been easy, and I said earlier, there are more bad days than good.. but it is getting better.  I am pretty good at putting on the mask and going with the flow, but it is just that.  A mask.  So, like I said, I promise that I will respond to each and every one of you.. when I find the right words to say.  You all mean so much and your kind words and gestures mean just as much.  So thank you to each and every one of you!

not broken, just bent.

Life.  A good colleague friend of mine always says, "Life is a series of choices and consequences".  Indeed it is.  I was not sure I was going to make this post, or what exactly I was going to say.  It may come out as a jumbled mess and some things may come across harsh.  That is where your choices and consequences come in.  You have a choice to read this post, or close out of it for fear of not liking anything that I have to say.  Once you make that choice, you also have the consequences.  You like it or you don't.  You agree or you disagree.  Either way, I don't care.  I am not being harsh, I am just stating the truth.  From this point on, read at your own risk.

Let me just preface by saying you are going to get a lot of cliche quotes throughout this post.  Each and every one of them fits what we are going through right now, so cliche it is.

It is been said that you never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have.  So, so true.. and I have learned this first hand this week.  I have had my share of trials and tribulations over the years, but nothing like this.  Monday was our eight week ultrasound.  If things were still good, we were being turned back over to my regular OB.  Matt was unable to go because he had to chaperone a field trip.  He was more than bummed, but sometimes that is the way things work out.  So, I made the early morning trip myself.  My wait was rather short.  Dr. Bromer and the ultrasound tech came in the room and we began the scan.  About 30 seconds in to it, he said the words, "I no longer see a heartbeat".  Ok.  What does one say to this?  What is the right thing to say, or the right way to react?  I didn't cry.  I'm not an emotional person.. especially in front of other people.  He said the baby had grown, but somewhere along the way the heart stopped.  My first question.. "Ok, what do we do?"  He asked if I had any signs of a miscarriage.. aka spotting or bleeding.. I did not.  He said that meant my body could probably not pass it on its own.  Ok.  What does that mean?  That means a D&C will be scheduled sometime this week.  Ok.  

At this point I was still just trying to process everything.  I'm not sure I was 100% surprised.  I had told Matt that I thought it was odd that I had no symptoms.  I had no morning sickness.  Nothing hurt.  Sure, I was tired.. but an IVF cycle in itself can cause that.  I just had a gut feeling.  

So we do the D&C and then what. Then we wait and do weekly blood tests until my HCG levels hit 0.  Then we move on with our plan.. which I will get into at the end of this post.  Dr. B said the nurse would call me later that day with an appointment for the D&C in the Rockville office sometime that week and that he was very sorry.  He has no idea what happened, but said that since we had 15 embryos to choose from, they could not possibly pick out the best.  I know, this is not a bad problem to have.  And I am NOT complaining about that.  But I can still be upset about this.  I left the office and called Matt as soon as I got in my car.  Neither one of us knew what to say.  We were still in shock.  Matt spoke to his principal, who is VERY understanding, and he went home instead of following through with the field trip.  I called into my school (to some NOT so understanding individuals) and got a sub for the day.  I stopped and made plans (shitty ones I might add) and then went home.  We needed to spend this day together.

We sat at home for a little while and decided we needed to get out and do something.  Sitting around was not going to help us.  So, even though we were both off on sick days (and it is a big NO NO to go out in town while using one of these days) we went out.  We packed up our furry children and took them to the local dog pool.  We needed something fun and so did they.  We spent an hour just watching them swim from one end of the pool to the other.  In an odd way, just seeing them happy and loving life helped us for the time being.  (At this point I was also DARING someone to say something to me about being out on a sick day.)  Here are a few pictures.

After about an hour, we had two tired pups, so we went home.  We arrived home to a beautiful bouquet of flowers from Matt's sister and her family.

We ate some lunch, we took a nap, and then we did a little shopping.  Again, anything to just get out.  At 6:30 our phone rang.  My D&C had been scheduled for Tuesday at 3:30.  I needed to arrive no later than 2:00 and could not eat or drink after 7:30 am.  As bad as this is going to sound, I was ready.  I did not want this lingering on and in my constant thoughts.  I didn't want to prolong the inevitable.  I wanted to begin to grieve and be able to move on. Don't get me wrong, I will never forget this and will probably never get over it 100%, but it is also not good (in my mind) to dwell.  I called the necessary people at work to let them know I would be out the next day for emergency surgery.  The response I got-- "You have a coverage tomorrow.  We will need to dock you 1/2 day of pay."  Are you kidding me?  I didn't plan this.  This is not something I wanted.  I really wanted to say a big FU, but I didn't.  It wasn't worth it.  Instead, I called our union rep and there are other talks in the works.  Whatever, people.

That night we went to bed early.  We needed that.  Matt went to work Tuesday morning while I stayed home and cuddled with these two.

Whoever said that diamonds are a girl's best friend, never had dogs.  These two have unconditional love for me not matter what.  And they know.. they just know.  

We left our house around 11:45 to head to Rockville.  We arrived around 2:00.  We were lead back into the surgical prep area.  I was the last appointment of the day.  I had to change into the gown, booties, head cover, etc.  I then had to sign a few packets of papers and go over my discharge instructions.  Then it was time for the IV.  He tried my elbow first.  Fail.  He could not feed the IV into my vein, so he moved to the side of my wrist.. directly behind my thumb.  After some intense poking and prodding, he was able to get a tube of blood and then hook up the bad of fluid.  Thank goodness.  

About an hour later, I was led back into the operating room.  Legs in stirrups, procedure explained, lights out.  It took about twenty minutes and then I was returned to my room to begin the recovery process.  As soon as I woke up I felt some intense cramping.  My sweet nurse (I will talk about her later) gave me a shot of Fentanyl which immediately took away the pain.  I ate some crackers, drank some water, went for a short walk, and then I was told I was good to go home.  Matt picked up my prescriptions and Dr. Doyle (our surgeon) explained that they would attempt to do some genetic testing to try and determine what went wrong.  We will get those results (if there are any) within seven days.  Our walk to the car was pretty silent, but as I said before, I was relieved the procedure was over.  I don't know how to explain it any other way.

On our way  home we talked about our staff that day.  Our nurse was perfect.  She was soft spoken, sweet, helpful, and a genuine person.  Perfect for what I needed that day.  The doctor was the same.  I know they know what we were going through, but they did an excellent job with us and I commend them 100%.  Just one more reason I LOVE our clinic.

We got home around 7:00 (to another beautiful bouquet of flowers from some sweet friends), ate some dinner, I took my antibiotics (to knock out any possible infection) and I went to bed.  I was exhausted.  Plain and simple.  After laying in bed for a couple of hours, I heard the dogs go crazy and some voices downstairs.  (Note- I had also just taken a Vicodin for the intense cramps.)  I decided to see what was going on.  What I saw brought tears to my eyes.  One of my lacrosse players and our "son" came to visit me with an extra large M&M McFlurry with extra M&Ms.  Are these kids for real?  Wow.  Amazing how thoughtful and caring some kids can be.  These two will never know how much that meant.. especially coming from teenagers.  I will be forever grateful.  

Since I heard those words in the ultrasound office I have been going through the constant questions and what ifs.  Did I do more than I should have?  Did I do something wrong?  What if I had done this?  What if I had done that?  But these what ifs will be just that.  What ifs.  I cannot dwell on them and will do my best not to.  These are the cards we have been dealt.  We will not forget this nor will we ever fully get over this.  But we will move forward and we will continue to fight with our cards.  I completely believe that God only chooses those strong enough to handle things like this.  We are strong.  We will continue to fight.  It's what we do.

Again, I cannot thank our family and friends (and even students), and of course my IF/IG sisters enough for the outpouring of love and support.  The flowers, emails, texts, phone calls, ice cream, prayers, hugs, etc. mean more than all of you will ever know.  You all are the best.

So.. where do we go from here.  First, we go on vacation.  Every year we go to the Outer Banks, NC for two weeks with my family.  We leave this Sunday.  We are planning on two weeks of complete relaxation, family time, beach time, and even a little celebrating.  We got married here last year and plan on spending our first anniversary at the same place where our wedding and reception were held.  It has been a year of ups and downs, but I wouldn't have wanted to spend it with anyone other than my husband and best friend.  Expect a few "regular" posts over our two weeks of vacation!

When we get back, we move on with our plan.  I will get weekly blood tests until my HCG levels are back to 0.  Around that time I will also get AF (aunt flow).  When she arrives, I will begin taking birth control again.  Part way through the cycle I will also being different injections - this time in the butt.  I will also restart the progesterone and estrogen.  I will have two appointments to have ultrasounds done to ensure my uterine lining is where they want it.  Then, we will have a frozen embryo transfer (FET).  Dr. Bromer said we can expect the transfer to take place at the end of July or beginning of August.  This may seem quick to some of you, but it is what works best for us.  We do not work full time over the summer.  This will be a much less stressful time.  It also gives us something to look forward to and ensures that we are in fact moving on.  It works for us.  I have also scheduled my first acupuncture appointment for the week we come home from vacation.  I am SO looking forward to that experience.

We were hesitant to be as open about our next cycle as we have been about this one.  But we have thought about it and talked about it, and agreed that being open works best for us. We have unconditional support from those who read and follow this blog.  It is my biggest support system.  We want to share our story and experiences with others and hopefully help someone else out along the way.  

I am going to leave you with two of my most favorite quotes.  I think about them both daily and have them displayed in my classroom.  Thanks for reading.  Continued prayers and support would be much appreciated.  Thank you all for everything you have done and the various ways you have helped us along our journey, and will continue to in the future.  I only hope that I, and we can return the favor.

"You can't always get what you want, 

but if you try, 

sometimes you just might find you get what you need." ~The Rolling Stones

"What lies behind us and what lies before us,

Are tiny matters

Compared to what lies within us" ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson