Sometimes I think.

Sometimes I think too much.  I'm a type A personality.  My mind goes a thousand miles a minute.  When I can't sleep, I literally lay in bed and think about the million and one things I need to do the next day or should be done over the next week/month/year (yes.. THAT much).  I have gotten to the point where I make lists upon lists on my phone at 2 am.  I wish I could turn it off, but I can't.  It's just not possible.

Lately, my mind has been racing with "what-ifs".. specifically one what-if.  Moving.  

Almost ten years ago (it honestly seems like yesterday) I moved to the town we live in now - for a job.  Little did I know that I would still be here ten years later.  Ten years ago, I couldn't wait to get out of dodge.  You see, I grew up in the middle of nowhere.  I'm talking town population of 500 (maybe?), graduating class of 94 students (no middle school folks.. K-6 in elementary and 7-12 in high school), no football team (the horror), and not a single stop light.  I hated it growing up.  Constantly whining that "there was nothing to do".  I moved as soon as I graduated college.  And I loved it.

Fast-forward a few years.  Matt and I started dating and within a year and a half we moved in together, got engaged, got married and started trying to have babies.  Soon after getting married we put a contract on a brand new house.  This house is in a prime location, includes a good chunk of land, and would be our forever home.  Six months later, we finally closed on our old home and moved into our beautiful new home.  

If you've been following my blog long enough, you know that the baby making did not go as planned and took longer than anticipated.  Regardless, a year and a half later we were lucky enough to welcome Hudson into our lives and fill one of our empty bedrooms.  

I never really believed people when they told me things would change after you become a mother.  Your priorities change (duh) and your whole perspective on life changes. To those people, I say I'm sorry.  Everything does change.

Now, I question if this house is our forever home.  I question if this town is where we want to spend the rest of our lives.  (Matt and I have had this discussion, so I am grouping us together as "we", but these are more my thoughts.)  I question if this is really where we want to raise Hudson.

Why all of the questioning?

It's simple.  I miss my family.  I miss the place I used to call home.  My mom (and the rest of my family - including my grandparents) is such a huge help with Hudson when she can be.  But it's difficult because they all live two hours away.  Now, I know that is technically  not far and that there are families that are much farther apart in distance.  But, it's far for me.  It's not easy to make a day trip with a baby and two dogs.  It's impossible to just meet for dinner once a week.  I miss being able to do a short shopping trip on a Saturday afternoon or go to church together on a Sunday morning.  I would love to be able to send my mom a text on a random Wednesday night and say, hey, want to come over for dinner?

But at this point, none of that is possible.

Don't get me wrong, again.. I love where we live.  We are blessed with good jobs/careers.  We have great friends here.  We have a beautiful home that is within 45 minutes of some very fun areas/cities.  But I just feel like there is a void.  Something is missing.  There is just something about having your family around you.  I want my son to be able to grow up surrounded by his family.  I want him to be able to have a Friday night sleepover at GiGi and PopPop's.  I don't want to have to plan weekends for what seems like visitations.  But I also don't want to lose what we have with our home.  With our jobs.  With our friendships.  With our location.  You see?  I'm torn.

Our jobs are difficult.  We both have master's degrees and have been teaching for numerous years and therefore we are "too expensive" for other districts to hire.  With the economy the way it is, school districts will hire a new college graduate over and experienced teacher because they are "cheaper" salary wise.  It's also more difficult for me because I teach an elective subject and those jobs are now hard to come by - thank you state standardized testing and NCLB.  Politics.  I digress..

Then we have our home.  It's only two years old.  Do we have enough equity in it?  Will we be able to sell it for a price we need?  We will be able to sell the second (rental) home that we own?  Will either sell in a short amount of time?  Will we be able to find a home that meets our expectations in my hometown area?  Who knows.  

So for now we continue with life as we know it.  We constantly weigh the pros and the cons.  We enjoy where we live and we do the best that we can to make things work.  And I constantly think about the "what-ifs".  What if moving is the better option?  What if moving ends up being a mistake for one reason or another?  What if..