Call me crazy.

Because I am.  And I know it.  And I wish I had better control over it.

Before you start down this path called IVF, doctors, nurses, experiences veterans, etc. will tell you that the massive amounts of hormones being pumped in you combined with the process itself will make you crazy.  Like the kind of crazy where your husband wants to sleep with a knife under his pillow. (Matt hasn't done this to my knowledge.. Yet.)  The kind of crazy where your students ask you why you are tearing up over the fact that cash is an asset.  Yes, this really happened.  The Godzilla B-word kind of crazy.  The kind where you feel like you have no control. 

I took these warnings and let them go in one ear and out the other.  That was never going to happen to me.  I wouldn't let it.  Well, guess what?  Stupid, stubborn me is sitting here right now wondering how exactly I am going to control my emotions and not be THAT crazy hormonal lady everyone talks about.

I honestly don't know why I am like this.  One minute I am laughing, the next I am talking about cake while sobbing, and the next I am mad at everyone I come in contact with simply because they exist.  Yesterday I hated bugs and decided they all needed to die immediately because some of their friends thought my feet were a nutritious meal this weekend.  Oh, and every pair of shoes I wear rubs at least one of them.  Evil, evil creatures.  And way off point.

I have decided to blame my craziness on a few things.

1 - Hormones and medications.  During an IVF cycle (both fresh and frozen) you are pumped full of insane amounts of hormones.. and possibly other types of medications to fix your broken-ness.  Then, for whatever reason, your cycle stops.  And all of the above mentioned medications are stopped.  Abruptly at that.  And now your body is going through withdrawal from these meds.  Wait.  Now you can start another cycle.  You can start taking some pills.  Two weeks after that you can add in some heavy duty injections.  How does this not make you crazy?  Emotional?  Irritable?  Sigh..

2 - Head games.  IVF is like a roller coaster ride.  A lot like the Super Dooper Looper (for my fellow Pennsylvanians) at Hershey Park.  Things are looking good.  Really good!  Your RE has nothing but positive things to say.  Then BAM!  Something went wrong.  Instead of graduating to your OB, you are scheduling a D&C.  Instead of a positive pregnancy test at the end of your two week wait (those two weeks alone can turn any same person into a crazy monster) you are wondering what went wrong.  Instead of definitive answers, you are adding things to your next cycle because "this" could have been a problem.  You are now classified as unexplained fertility.  You were happy.  Now you are sad.  You were excited.  Now you don't even want to get out of bed.  Again, makes you crazy emotional.

3 - Everyone around you is pregnant.  And "it was easy!" (for most).  "We weren't even trying."  Their husband just looked at them and they were immediately knocked up!  And my all time favorite.  The sixteen year old girl that isn't positive who her baby will call Daddy.  Seriously girl, you have like a two day window.  Have some respect for yourself.  And family planning is free.  It is not their fault that you feel like this.  And no, not everyone around you is pregnant.  But that is how we infertiles perceive it.  Don't get me wrong.  We are sincerely happy for you.  But, we are also sad for ourselves.  And we have every right to feel that way given everything we have been through and have to go through.

4 - Age.  I refer to myself as a "twenty-something," though that will not be true much longer.  GASP!  That in itself scares the living bejeezus out of me.  I only graduated from college.. oh, many more years ago than I care to publicly admit.  The age itself is not a big deal to me.  It is that constantly ticking infertile biological clock that is causing the issue.  Thirty is kind of a big deal in the world of infertility.  At that point you are beginning to near the "advanced age" status.  Yikes.  Not to mention, I don't want my future chidden to get the "you have the oldest parents" label all through school.  **At least they can use the comeback "oh yeah, well my parents have to give you a grade someday."  The perks of living in the same district in which you teach.

Ok, time to stop my rant.  You get the point by now.  If you haven't already picked up on it, I am in a bit of an emotional slump right now.  I know things will get better.  But, I am also an over analyzer and some of these things run through my head 24/7.  Yes, 24/7.  I have not been much of a sleeper lately.  Don't get my wrong, I go to bed early, but by 1:00 am, I am wide awake and my mind is in overdrive with the constant "what-ifs".  (The two 75+ pound dogs that sleep in our bed don't help either.)

So, I will apologize now to anyone that may happen to run into me in person in the next few days.  It may not be pretty.  And I will probably cry.  Especially if you talk about cake.

For those of you on the outside looking in on an infertility journey, remember this:

"Their emotions can become a monster to swallow them whole." --about those going through IVF

I cannot control my emotions, but will do my best to keep them in check.

PS.. It's Hump DAYYYYYYYY